Divorce was difficult, but you went through the grieving process, and now you are in the place when you are ready to wet your feet in the dating world. You may feel intimidated by today’s dating scene, and you also may struggle with being able to connect with men. You generally have good relationships with men, but you struggle to create deep emotional and sexual connection. This is not because you are not attracted to them or they are not attracted to you. It’s more related to your struggle to allow yourself to be vulnerable. You most likely wind up having awkward intellectual conversations with men. This may not be negative in itself, but you may wind up feeling insecure.
This insecurity most likely comes from feeling incompetent in terms of your flirting skills. It’s not that you really are incompetent, but you become paralyzed by fear. This fear doesn’t allow you to flirt and enjoy the process. When you let go of fear and allow yourself to enjoy, you naturally feel competent about it.
What matters the most at this point is that you know what your desire is. Based on the answers you provided, it sounds that you would like to be in a loving romantic relationship someday. Now that you know what your desire is, it’s important to see what your challenges are.
Based on your profile, it seems that you have good basic relationships with men, but you may struggle to connect romantically with them. This may mean two things.
- One is that you are afraid to be vulnerable and allow yourself to let go and develop deeper romantic relationships. Without going into details about potential reasons for your fears, it has to be your conscious decision to allow yourself to embrace risks and joys involved in this process of romantic connection. You can start doing this after some healing from breakup and exploration of how you want your life to continue.
- The other stems from the first one. It is that you may not have skills to connect with a man emotionally. This doesn’t mean that you don’t have a great capacity for it. This also doesn’t mean that you are not emotionally connected with men. It’s more about expressing those emotions. How can I explain this? Have you ever been in a situation with a man when both of you felt something deep, but you felt afraid or awkward and changed the topic to talking about the weather or politics. So, being afraid and not knowing how to connect are usually linked together. This leads to a place where you don’t feel competent about your relational skills. The potential reason for this may be just the fact that you don’t try. One of the reasons why intellectual women may struggle in relationships is the upbringing that focuses heavily on the left side of the brain skills, such as logic, analytical skills, etc. I wrote an article about. Learn more. This also may lead to being attracted to emotionally unavailable men. You may crave deep connection, but you are attracted to men that are emotionally unavailable.
So, what are the next steps for you?
In order to understand this deeper, I would suggest reading this article about 4 stages of divorce recovery. Read more here.
If you have already gone through healing process after your divorce or break up, I suggest allowing yourself to figure out what it is that you want exactly. If you’ve been married for some time, chances are that you lived a life on autopilot. Many women live the life that they think they should live instead of figuring out what it is that they truly want. Maybe you are a top notch attorney, but maybe you would give up everything to be an alpaca header.
Similarly figuring out what kind of partner is good for you is essential when it comes to dating. You are an intellectual woman, and you think you may lack some flirting skills. The idea is not to change into a stereotype such as Merlin Monroe for instance, but to find a man who will be stoked to be with someone like you, brainy, and perhaps awkward in romantic relationships.
One more, very important thing. Working on your ability to connect is essential. Because you may find a great man, and you two may like each other, but if you don’t nurture emotional, romantic, and sexual connection, you will not feel satisfied. Chances are that you lacked that connection in your previous marriage and it was hard to pinpoint what went wrong in it.
How can you work on your ability to connect? There are various ways. One of the things that I like to recommend, is working with a therapist that utilizes somatic work. Sensorimotor Psychotherapy utilizes somatic approach and is very helpful in working on relationship issues. iThis work can help you be in touch with your own emotions and be able to recognize them. It also helps you develop deeper intuition and awareness of yourself and how you relate to others. It can enable you to connect with others on deep emotional levels.
The other things that you can do are engaging in activities that focus on skills that require usage of the right side brain. Examples are dance, yoga, arts, crafts, drama, etc. Any activities that involve creativity and movement will help you balance right and left brain. All your life up to this point was geared to keep you “up in your head.” These activities will help you learn how to drop down to your body and be able to feel, connect, experience, etc. I’ve been through a similar process too, and it’s so amazing. When you are able to feel and identify your emotions, you become more equipped to handle even difficult emotions than when you don’t feel them. Most importantly, this kind of work helps you become intuitive and able to connect with people or men in this instance.
Suggestions for dating
You are in a good place if you’ve gone through the first two stages of divorce recovery. If you’ve completed the initial healing during Stabilization, and you went through the process of Exploration (figuring our what you are about), you are ready to start Experimentation. As long as you go into it with a casual attitude, it should be easy. What do I mean by “casual attitude?” This is the Experimentation phase. Your agenda at this point is to meet new people and not to find your life partner. This is the time when you can practice flirting skills. With the casual attitude, you can be less anxious about the outcome, and perhaps you can enjoy the process more. By doing so, you can develop competence and start feeling more empowered and confident about the dating process.
If you have any further questions or need help, please contact me. Call or text to schedule a free consultation .
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