Are you divorced and just wetting your feet in the dating pool? You may be accomplished in your career, but when it comes to relationships you may feel lost and confused. In spite of the best efforts and intents, your marriage has ended, your children may be blaming you, and the dating scene for women today is really not something you are looking forward to. Are you still hopeful to find love? Is love important to you, or are you exhausted from all of it?
Why Do Women Feel That Dating Outcomes Don’t Depend on Them?
Although intellectual women accomplish so many things in life, when it comes to dating, feeling incompetent isn’t unusual. Doing things when you don’t know how to do, may lead adopting the external locus of control. This is the phenomenon when you think that outcome depends on outside influences rather than on your efforts. Read more about it in the PsychContral Encyclopedia. After following so much advice about dating, trying to present yourself in the right light, or in the ways that media and dating gurus tell you that are attractive to men, you may wind up exhausted and frustrated.
Smart women may have the internal locus of control in terms of career or academic achievement, but when it comes to dating, they often have the external locus of control. One of the reasons is our cultural upbringing. In many cultures, women are raised to be passive and wait to be asked out. Of course, there are subtle ways in which women have the ability to influence who they will give the green light to ask them out. But, the underlying message is that women are supposed to be coy and depend on men to initiate relationships. Just think of fairy tales they’ve read to us. How many stories did we hear where a princess is miserable until a prince charming rescues her, and then her life becomes wonderful?
Professional Women Accomplish Many Things. Can You Master Dating and Relationships?
This kind of upbringing leads to many women feeling that they can’t influence what happens when it comes to relationships and dating. They often feel that they can just hope that “the right one will come.” One of the most relevant issues for my female clients is the worry that they will not be able to find a life partner. They hear devastating statistics about women’s ability to find a partner as they age or if they are highly educated. Read more about other reasons Why Do Smart Women Struggle in Love? They also learn that men are usually looking for younger women, which makes them feel powerless and hopeless. These are examples of the external locus of control, which is further perpetuated by lack of success due to not making the right kinds of efforts.
Being aware of the gloomy stats and less than gentlemanly habits of today’s dating prospects can be helpful in understanding that it’s not something wrong with you necessarily, but it’s just the way things are. Getting to know people like this can just help you move on and know that these are not your partners. There are numerous men that are genuine and interested in a long-term commitment. What matters is that you don’t lose hope because of encountering some of these negative experiences. As you mastered so many things in life, if you focus on this aspect, you can be successful in this too.
Internal Work Leads to Easy Changes in Behaviors that Can Give Positive Results for Dating Women
I encourage women to persist and adapt the internal locus of control by figuring out who they are, what they want, setting clear intent, and being proactive in meeting their goal. I think that odds of succeeding in finding the right partner are in your favor when you take an active role. Relationships and dating involve skills that can be learned. Knowing this can help women gain the internal locus of control. There are some behavioral tactics that you can change, but the most of the work is internal. Becoming authentic and in touch with your feelings can help you be more confident and intuitive about the process.
Let’s connect! Book online a free initial phone consultation so we can see what can be your first step in recovering from divorce and achieving your dreams of finding the love you want