The key to secure love: embracing authenticity in relationships
Are you tired of the endless advice to 'just be more feminine' to find love? It's as if the key to a fulfilling relationship is hidden within a softer voice, a gentler touch, or even the sway of a dress. But here's the truth: this narrative isn't just oversimplified; it actually may keep you from finding soulful, secure love.
Why trying to be more feminine doesn't lead to secure love
One thing that happened to me, and perhaps to you too, is that everybody told me I should become more feminine, gentler, and softer. Don't get me wrong, I don't necessarily disagree. But why am I so much against this framing?
In my eyes, it's just yet another way to tell women how they should or shouldn't be; implying who they are is somehow wrong. That's the problem. You can't create secure love if you feel you are not good enough. And, we all crave to be loved and accepted for who we are. Right?
And who are we?
We are beautiful, successful, powerful, and loving women. What we have to give is something special, and it requires careful consideration.
What causes us to be 'rough around the edges' or not so 'feminine?'
We've been hurt, betrayed, disappointed… This is why we may be a little rough around the edges, unapproachable, opposite of easy-going.
But this is where your personal responsibility comes in. You need to be aware of how you may come across. Also, remember, there is another human being that also has a story and experiences that shape them.
We all have these defense or survival coping skills because we don't want to be hurt again, and this is all happening on an unconscious level. When you want to find secure love and meet an amazing man, everyone tells you that you need to be open, feminine…
What happens when you try to be feminine but you don't feel secure inside?
Perhaps you try. Maybe you go and get some cute dresses, shoes, a new hairstyle, and makeup. You look lovely… But what happens when the guy you're dating does or says something that makes you feel insecure?
If you're like me or a lot of women I know, you immediately resort to using your old survival strategies, and your defenses go up. Maybe you try to compensate for it by trying to be feminine beyond just clothing and makeup. So while you're feeling something is off, instead of addressing it, you avoid confronting him, so you never express your needs and boundaries.
You hide your dissatisfaction and find your resentment growing. Your relationship becomes tense. You stop enjoying yourself and find yourself overfunctioning. This means figuring out how to be, what to say, what not to say… to make this relationship work.
This naturally causes tension. Of course, you feel resentful. Most likely, there's a disconnect between how you feel and how you act. The guy you may be seeing stops feeling comfortable in your company. He starts pulling away. And then someone comes and tells you that you need to be more feminine. So frustrating, isn't it? There is no way you can create secure relationships this way.
The real key to attracting secure love
Here's the deal: You don't attract secure love by trying to be someone you're not. You attract love by feeling safe to express what you need, by allowing yourself to feel worthy of the love you want, by setting boundaries and not allowing yourself to yield to mediocre treatment from people who can't make up their minds about you.
This sense of security and confidence comes from a place of knowing that you will not allow yourself to invest your heart into a guy or a relationship that doesn't allow you to love fully, joyfully, securely. All this comes from you. That's when you can feel and behave in ways that attract that amazing, secure love, in which you can feel safe to drop your defenses.
Inner security brings natural softness and femininity
The way to become soft is not to pretend to be soft on the outside when everything inside you is screaming in resentment. We become soft when we shift some deep-rooted limiting beliefs that sabotage us and cause us to repeat the same unhealthy patterns in relationships.
In other words, it's about learning that you've got yourself, that you don't have to be a victim, you decide what kind of secure relationship you want, and you know you are absolutely worthy of it. You are not that little helpless girl who needs to wait and hope for a miracle.
You create your own life and go after what you want. Remember, you are the one who sets parameters of what goes and what doesn't. Remember, there are so many good men who want the same and who would be stoked to love you in the ways you need.
The way we do it in my program is by enabling the healing process that connects wounded parts that still sabotage our efforts by trying to keep us safe and our higher self who wants to move on and stop repeating the same old patterns.
What do you need to change to start healing attachment and become secure?
When we try to be somebody else, like a soft feminine woman who is feeling unsafe inside, it's just going to cause more re-wounding, re-traumatizing. Moreover, I don't know about you, but I don't want to change myself to be acceptable and loved. I want to be myself and be accepted and loved. Don't you?
So how do we stop the same relationship patterns that keep us from meeting and keeping the one? We do need to change something. But we need the change that is healing rather than re-traumatizing like trying to fit into a mold that somebody prescribes.
My path to healing and becoming secure
When I argued with my father when I was a teen, my grandma told me that I should be humble. Back then that sounded so outrageous to me. It was my wounded adolescent self that felt that she needed to protect her personality. I felt being humble meant that you lose yourself and become subservient to someone else. I will not go into details of where this wound comes from.
The word humble means something completely different for me now after working on myself and going through substantial healing. It’s important for me to know and understand my adolescent self, honor her for having to defend herself, and remind her that she doesn’t need to put up so many defenses.
Now I know that the most self-actualized people are the most humble because they don’t have to put up defenses. They feel OK with who they are and they accept others for who they are.
I’m still a work in progress, but now I can be way more soft than I used to be. I still know I can use my old survival defenses if needed, but I don’t need to rely solely on them. Needless to say, my relationships are much easier now.
Will you choose a path to secure love or keep trying to contort yourself to be more feminine?
So, what do you choose? Will you keep contorting yourself to fit some imaginary criteria or allow yourself to experience soulful, secure love by being yourself?
Trying to tell a woman how she should be to fit into some imaginary ideal is like trying to make yogurt into milk again. You have your specific flavor of personality and you are just fine. You can be demure and feminine when you naturally feel like it, and you can be your spicy self when a situation calls for it. Healing will help you integrate all parts of self.
The secret to attracting secure men
Here's a secret: Secure men love to see you completely. They feel safe to fall in love when they can see that you are confident to set boundaries with them. Yes, they start valuing you when they see that you value yourself and don't accept mediocre effort.
They love to be with a real partner with a unique personality, not some censored version of you. That's when they can decide to love you fully. This is the essence of secure love.
Embracing your authentic self for secure love
If you want to meet the one who will be stoked to be your man beyond just two months of honeymoon period, the one who also wants soulful, secure love, a future together... you need to allow yourself to be seen for who you are, your beautiful complex, big-hearted self, who doesn't settle for crappy relationships.
Remember, you can be feminine, strong, and at the same time be able to repair automobiles. None of that is relevant. Secure men don't want just women who are demure and ultra-feminine. They want a real partner with depth and complexity.
What matters is that you know how to process your feelings and express them in a way that helps you connect emotionally with a secure man. This is something I help women with in my program. I help them get in touch with who they are and express themselves in genuine, secure ways that attract quality men.
If you're interested in learning more about how to meet the one in 3-6 months and create a secure love relationship, I invite you to join my free masterclass. It's time to stop trying to fit into someone else's mold and start embracing your authentic self to find the secure love you deserve.
Discover what it takes to meet the one in about 3-6 months and create a secure healthy committed relationship
Want a path to genuine, lasting connections, leading to the deep, committed love you've been seeking. Sign up for my free masterclass now.