You've probably heard a lot of good dating advice. People will tell you a lot of good things, and you will skim through the list. Most likely you will notice this is not much new to you. Yet, it's hard to follow even simple advice.
There are various reasons for this, but an important one is that sometimes we struggle due to the past wounds or trauma from our family of origin. These wounds affect our mindset, and if our mindset is not in the right place, we may struggle to implement good advice or what we already know.
I too will give you simple dating advice, but I hope that I will be able to help you start cultivating the right mindset that will actually help you implement that advice. Ill provide you with the insight into why you may struggle in this area. This knowledge will hopefully help you be more compassionate towards yourself, which is essential for changing your mindset for success.
Also, understanding how being yourself can help you in dating can move you towards the right mindset and actions. Check it out.
What a cliche? Right? But, seriously. Authenticity is one of the most critical aspects that matter when it comes to dating and finding love that will bring you happiness. Women are often afraid to be themselves, and this stretches to the dating scene.
Why do women struggle with this?
The reason for this struggle may be that we are not much attuned to ourselves and our needs. We were raised to think of how we need to be, act, or behave in order to please others. We were not trained to observe what makes us happy and what doesn't.
This lifelong training can lead to not knowing who we are or not being able to express it. Thus, we don’t know what works, what doesn’t work for us. Even when we do know our stance, we often tend to become coy and don’t express ourselves.
How not being yourself affects your dating and love life?
Failure to let your personality shine has a profound effect on your love life. Look at these potential negative consequences of not allowing yourself to be natural.
You waste time with wrong kinds of guys
If you are not in touch with who you are or if you are afraid to express yourself, how do you expect to be able to find a partner that resonates with you?
For instance, you may be interested in a long-term relationship and finding the love of your life. You meet a great guy and give him some mealy mouth explanation of what you are after. You may have heard dating advice about how important it is not to come across as too needy.
So, you choose not to share your dating goals with a guy you meet. You may miss out on a great guy because you came across as someone who didn't know what she wants. Similarly, because you didn't express your real yearning, you may wind up dating a guy who's not into a long-term relationship and fall for him.
What if you had told him what your real interests are? For instance, what if you say to him that you are interested in finding the love of your love? Does this mean you are needy? No. This only means that you know what you want. And, this guy who's not into a long-term thing, will flake off. And the guy who is will be thrilled that there is this woman who's not confusing.
You don't give chances to the right men to get to know you and be thrilled about you
You don’t allow your personality to shine through, and thus you don’t give him a chance to like you. How will you find a good man that is a good match for you, when you hide what you are after. Thus we struggle to find a man who’s into the same things because we don’t put it out there.
The fact is, we are interested in a long-term relationship, or whatever else it may be. And, that’s fine. That doesn’t make you look desperate. You are not saying “ I’m interested in you.” Basically, you are setting your standards and in this way you are communicating with a man, that he needs to measure up to these standards. You are just giving him a chance to show it to you that he may be the one.
If you meet someone, and he is not interested in the long-term relationships, great. You had a lovely date, and maybe you’ve made a friend. You got to know a new person. Enjoy being single. Enjoy meeting people, and go with this agenda.
Sit back and relax
This is another piece of dating advice that may be confusing. What I'm talking about here is that many women tend to be over-functioning. If you can understand this principle emotionally, it can lead to a significant shift in your mindset and ability to find the right partner.
Why are women unable to relax?
Due to anxiety and wanting to make everything perfect, we women over-function. We put ourselves in the position of having to make things work and making ourselves likable enough. Thus, we follow a lot of advice that may lead to further confusion. This kind of mindset is especially prevalent in dating. The advice we follow isn’t necessarily bad, but when it’s not coming from the inside, it can cause a struggle.
What does “inside mean in the dating world? This means that you are confidant. You know what you are after, and you are OK with who you are. You also actively can pursue what matters to you.
How relaxed attitude can help you in the dating game
Understanding men will help you be a little more comfortable. Men are actually sweet people, and they love to please you. The problem with over functioning is that you don't let them make you happy. You don't allow them to get to know you and know how to please you. I'll repeat, "Good men love to please you." They are thrilled if they can make you happy. That empowers them to feel that they make a difference in your life. Why would you deny someone this pleasure by over-functioning and not expressing your wishes, needs, or expectations?
The right mindset to attract the right partner
Instead of figuring out how to make yourself "marketable," place yourself in the position of the one that chooses. You are basically interviewing candidates for this major role in your life. Instead of thinking, "Does he like me? Will he call me back?" you can think, "He is kinda cute. Will he measure up to my standards of what I expect from a partner? Let's see. I'm enjoying spending time with him for now." And, you are ready to receive and enjoy the ride.
And, date more than one person casually so that you can be more relaxed before you truly get to know someone and decide that they are worthy of your heart.
Dating advice becomes irrelevant once you start feeling what's right for you
You may know that you are smart, accomplished, beautiful, and an excellent potential partner for someone. The problem is that you may not be able to feel like this. Addressing the underlying issues that prevent us from being able to feel relaxed, confident, or happy can help us feel and then act according to this simple but smart dating advice that we hear everywhere.
Struggles from your childhood are often followed by adult anxiety which prevents you from living a full life. Anxiety also prevents you from being authentic and able to have the confidence to relax and stop over-functioning. Besides this, anxiety also causes us to live in “our heads” so we can continue over functioning and avoid feeling. But this just further wears us down. How do you expect to find the love if you avoid feeling?
When you are in touch with your feelings, you can feel instead of analyzing what's right for you and who would be an adequate partner for you. This kind of state represents confidence. Everything comes from the inside. The desire to have a fulfilling love, the inspiration to go for what you want, and knowing when you get it or when you need to move on become natural. Enjoy the ride. Go and meet the people. Be yourself and let them show you what they’ve got.