The Ultimate Guide To How To Be Yourself and Stop Being Confused in Love
Feel Like a Muse
We've all been there. You go out, meet a guy. In your eyes, it was a fabulous date. You two talk about these cool obscure things that not many people get. He walks you to your car, kisses you good night in the cheek, and tells you he'll call. So cute, isn't it? Next day, you tell your best friend how cute and cool he was, but then you don't hear from him for a while. OMG...What happened? Feeling confused in love isn't new to you nor hoards of single women on the dating scene.
On top of that, they tell you, "Just be yourself." How can you show up as yourself when you think that people wouldn't be attracted to you if you revealed all your insecurities.
Your thinking leads you to more uncertainty
Confused and bummed, you go and talk it out with your friends. One of them says you should call him because he may be insecure. Your other friend states firmly, "If he is not calling, he is not your man. He doesn't deserve you." You think that maybe something happened to him.
Then you go back to your memories of the date and analyze everything that happened. You come up with multiple versions and potential outcomes based on your interpretations of what happened that night. Maybe you are a scriptwriter, and it will serve you well if you are writing a romantic comedy. But, if you're not, oh boy, it will lead to more confusion in love for you.
If you stay in your head, you will continue being confused in love
Unfortunately, when we continue on this path of analyzing and pondering in our heads, it leads to feeling even more confused in love. The downsides to this include feeling incompetent, unattractive, hopeless, and frustrated in your relationship or on a dating scene.
Moreover, you may wind up losing the sense of what works for you and what doesn't. One moment you may feel you want to text him and invite him out. You may tell yourself, "I'm a powerful modern woman who takes matters into my own hands." The next moment you may think, "If he were interested in me, he would've called."
Being confused in love doesn't only affect our internal sense of self, but it also affects how we come across on a date. It usually leads to being anxious and unable to relax and enjoy the dating process. When you are uneasy, it's hard to show up as yourself and enjoy the conversation with your date. How are you supposed to attract someone who will be stoked to be with you as you are?
Jessica was ready to give up
Jessica is one of my clients. I worked with her with for a few months in therapy. She is an exceptional woman by many standards. Everyone who would see her would be surprised that she is single. People would say things such as, "How come you are still single? It must be by your choice."
Although people attempted to compliment her with those statements, Jessica would feel even more frustrated. She felt that something is wrong with her inside. It didn't matter to her that there are many other women in a similar situation and that she is attractive to many men. Jessica still felt confused in love.
Jessica was losing hope when she came to see me. She would cry herself to sleep many nights at that time. After working with me for a few months, Jessica was able to learn how to stop over-functioning and relax, which made a big difference in her dating life. I also helped her change some of her beliefs that didn't serve her at this time of her life.
Men feel safe to fall in love with you when you show your true self
When Jessica was ready to start dating, I helped her with tools that would keep her anxiety in check, so she can show up confident, relaxed, and as herself. She started enjoying the dating process, and it became easier and easier. She was dating multiple guys until she was feeling secure and committed to her current fiance.
Jessica is currently engaged, and she feels at ease in her relationship. The reason why she enjoys her relationship is that she was able to show up as herself. Her fiance was falling in love with her more and more the more he got to know Jessica. She didn't hide her shortcomings from him. That made him feel emotionally safe to fall in love with her.
Relationships are supposed to be smooth and joyful, and not confusing and frustrating. Perhaps, you feel as Jessica did before, confused, frustrated, and ready to give up. You may feel like you have to compete with real women or imaginary standards that you have in your head all the time.
Unfortunately, all this does is making you spiral downward. You feel less confident and joyful when it comes to meeting men. You may go out on a date, but you think you'll have a shitty time. How are you supposed to find love this way?
Very unlikely. Unless your partner is super insightful, confident, and dedicated to you because somehow he knows that there is a heart of gold underneath, he will not be able to make a connection with you
Are you thinking of giving up finding true love
Eventually, you may wind up giving up on dating or seeking happiness in love. It only makes sense that you would lose hope after going on a bunch of dreadful dates where you feel as if you need to be the one who has to prove herself to people that don't even inspire you. Add to it a couple of bad relationships from your past, and no wonder why you cringe at the idea of going on conquest for love.
But, the desire for love is rooted in you, and why wouldn't you go for it? Love is the ultimate quest in human life. We are mammals, and we are created to attach and crave the attachment to other beings. Romantic love allows us to create the most profound connection with another human being. So, it's just natural that you want true love and a life partner. But, being confused in love doesn't help you get that love. It makes it very difficult and brings you a lot of stress.
You too can get the love you want
But don't worry. There are ways in which you can overcome confusion and feel competent, confident, and enjoy dating and relationships. When you stop overanalyzing and learn how to feel, you can overcome the sense of confusion in love and have fun and excitement when dating or when you are in a relationship with someone. A bonus benefit of this skill is that you will be able to figure out who is a good potential partner for you.
My client Jessica is just one of the women who were able to gain clarity and feel at ease in her relationships and dating. For the first time, Jessica said she felt empowered and being able to call the shots instead of feeling as if she had to prove herself to the men she was dating.
You too can achieve this clarity and emotional intelligence by learning how to feel and stay in a moment. Keep reading to learn how to stop being confused in love and be empowered to make the best choices in a partner.
Feel your feelings to make smart decisions in love
What does it mean to feel your feelings? It involves being present in your body and acknowledging and trusting your body sensations, emotions, and thoughts that come up at the moment.
You already know how to feel; you simply need to learn to be aware of your feelings and trust them. Perhaps you avoided doing this for decades because it was uncomfortable. You learned to carry on with a stoic face marching into more accomplishments. The life thought you that action is the way to get the results and not feeling. It's different in love.
Learning how to feel your feelings will help you stop being confused in love. Most importantly, this process will allow you to avoid over-functioning in relationships and dating and learn how to chill and enjoy. This process will enable you to sit back instead of trying to prove yourself worthy to the guy you are dating.
If you are like the most modern women, you are analyzing and utilizing your intellect to figure things out in life. Doing so serves you well in business or education, but in love, it leads to confusion and frustration.
You too can have fun dating
When you spend too much time in your head, it means that you are not present emotionally, and your thoughts take over. Your thoughts may take the control, and your emotional intelligence stays dormant. When you are on a date with a guy, you struggle to connect with him emotionally, and you are unable to sense if there is a good connection.
When you can relax and allow the guy to show you what he is about, it will give your confidence significant boost. Doing this helps you avoid feeling like a salesperson, but instead, it puts you in the more empowered position of a buyer. In other words, you are not trying to analyze and figure out how to make a guy like you, but instead, you allow yourself to experience how this guy makes you feel in the moment. You let him prove to you that he is worthy of your love.
Now you can have fun dating. Instead of analyzing and feeling anxious you can observe how you feel in the company of a particular man. Are you excited, eager, or are you feeling that he puts you through ups and downs like on a roller coaster? Which one of those guys makes you feel secure and eager at the same time? This one may be the right one.
By observing your feelings, you are uniting your intellect and emotions. Body-mind oriented therapists consider this process mindfulness. Studies show that mindfulness significantly improves relationships even if only one person practices it. Instead of confusion in love, you will start feeling clarity, joy, eagerness, power, and so on.
Jessica was able to find clarity
In my work with Jessica and other clients, we focus on gaining insight into the limiting beliefs from the past. These limiting beliefs may come from your childhood or previous relationships. For instance, Jessica was afraid to start dating again because she had a couple of bad relationships in the past. She was worried that she would have to give up her independence and settle for a man that would not respect her.
Once we determined Jessica's limiting beliefs, we worked on developing new more balanced views. Jessica's beliefs were that to have love, you have to lose yourself and your independence and that men are needy and not such good partners.
After we identified these beliefs, we worked on establishing a more balanced view. Jessica learned that in good relationships, you could have a stable bond with your partner, but you can also have your independent interests and freedom. The fact is that some level of personal independence is vital in a good relationship.
Jessica also learned that there are various types of men, and many are capable of being incredible partners. Instead of disrupting her peace, men can enhance and contribute to her life. These beliefs were reinforced by going out on dates and meeting different men.
Then we started working on helping Jessica learn how to allow herself to sit back and feel through the dating world. Jessica needed to learn that she is not the same as when she was a young girl. In other words, Jessica realized that she could figure out who works for her and who doesn't work for a future relationship.
Feeling Your Feelings is one of the essential skills for gaining clarity in love and life
But, one of the most critical skills for Jessica was to relax and allow herself to sense how she feels in the company of men she was dating. Instead of trying to prove herself to them, she sits back and enjoys watching men trying to show that they are the one for her.
All of my clients have great success with this process. Their relationships with spouses, children, or coworkers improve significantly. One of the reasons for this success is that when you allow yourself to pause, feel, and then unite your mind and feelings, you don't let your anxious thoughts take over.
You too can practice this process. You can start journaling about past relationships and see what limiting beliefs stem from them. And, when you go on a date, you can remember this mantra, I'm not a used car salesperson. I'm a buyer. I'm figuring out if this guy is cool or not. How does he make me feel? Doing this will give you a significant advantage in dating because you will feel more empowered.
For those who want real love
Pause and feel technique is excellent for those who are interested and ready for deeper emotional connection with a man. It can be scary and requires us to be somewhat vulnerable, but it's gratifying. When you apply this technique, be ready to attract men that are not superficial and who are interested in true love just as you are.
A bonus is that when you utilize this technique during the dating period, you will be able to choose a partner who's eager to connect with you on an emotional level. The other bonus is that you will develop better communication skills which will serve you in a long-term relationship. When you communicate from your feelings, it's much more effective than when you point to negative behaviors of your partner. Jessica too utilizes this technique with her fiance, and their arguments bring them closer together.
When feeling your feelings doesn't feel good
If you have a history of severe untreated trauma, I wouldn't recommend this technique. The reason is that trying to be mindful of your emotions and body sensations can trigger trauma reactions or panic attacks. When I have these kinds of cl
ients, I help them through trauma by utilizing a body-mind oriented therapy. We work on helping them become comfortable in their bodies because for trauma victims body can be a major source of discomfort.
Benefits of using Feel Your Feelings technique
Feeling more comfortable on a dating scene and less confused in love
As I already mentioned, using the Feel Your Feelings Technique will help you feel more comfortable in the dating world. Instead of analyzing and wondering how you can improve yourself so that a guy will like you, you will be able to sit back and allow him to show you that he can be the love of your life. You don't have to feel confused in love anymore. You can feel your feelings and figure out which feelings feel good and which feelings don't.
Better communication skills
Once you get to know your feelings, you will be able to communicate better too. I call this communication from the heart. You will be able to communicate from your feelings. For instance, when a guy does something you don't like, instead of going through mental gymnastics to explain to yourself what the heck he means by it, you can simply tell him, "That makes me feel icky." Then it's up to him to redeem or explain himself.
Better boundaries and respect
Similarly, as you can feel your feelings, you will be more protective of yourself, and therefore, you will set better boundaries. If you are like many women, you tend to justify people's shitty actions to keep the conflict low. When you are in touch with your feelings, you will be able to tell others, "NO."
Less anxiety and more ease
Another bonus of utilizing this technique is that you will feel more at ease and less anxious. Instead of allowing your thoughts to drive you nuts, you can remind yourself that you can figure things out as you go. You sit back and let men show you who they are. When you are in tune with yourself, you will be able to make the right decisions.
If you want to avoid feeling confused in love, I recommend practicing Feel Your Feelings technique. It will make dating and relationships so much easier for you. It will allow you to be yourself and attract the right partners.