Are You Too Independent to Find True Love
Feel Like a Muse
If you are a single woman, you must've heard so many explanations of why you struggle to find true love. One of the most common explanations is that you are too independent to be able to find a guy who will be stoked to be with you.
This explanation is as wrong as it gets. It's like a little kid thinking that her parents divorced because she didn't pray every night or because she was mean to her brother the other night. Moreover, it's yet another way to tell you what's wrong with you, in what way you don't measure up. Haven't you had enough of that?
Being successful, capable, and independent isn't what prevents you from getting love. There is something more profound that may be an issue. If you were too independent, you wouldn't be interested in finding love. in the first place.
From "That's my girl," to "You are too independent"
This narrative may even come from your parents who raised you to be the way you are, accomplished, independent, and driven woman. They are worried about your future now. You are not meeting another milestone fast enough.
As they raised you, your parents were so proud of you and your accomplishments. When you complete all your chores and get good grades, they cheered you, haven't they. Remember when you would bring a report card with good grades, how they would be happy.
And, now when you go to family gatherings, you are an odd one. Your cousins have a couple of kids already, and you are still single. Your relatives will ask you about your dating life and automatically conclude that it must be your choice to be single.
They see that you are attractive and have all the "qualifications" for a good wife, but there is one thing. You must be too independent. After all, you don't cry on your relative's shoulders about your situation. They all think the problem is in you. "These modern women..."
Oh, my God! No wonder why you don't like going to family gatherings. You already feel so confused about love and dating. Now you have to put up a facade and pretend that everything is fine in front of them. Sometimes you may even wonder if they are right. Maybe something is wrong with you?! Perhaps you are too independent?!
More frustration or confusion, anyone?
You wonder what you should do. Perhaps, you should start downplaying your intelligence and accomplishments when you meet a cute guy? That's some bullshit, and it pisses me off that you were brought to the point of thinking like this. It just confirms what I've been saying, that you, just like many other modern women were groomed to start questioning your value when things don't work out. And, this is the root of the problem.
Thinking and analyzing your shortcomings will only lead to more confusion and frustration when it comes to love. Thanks to our upbringing, we, women, are trained to constantly wonder about how we can improve ourselves instead of basking in the satisfaction of who we are. Thus, when things don't work out, you immediately ponder, "How can I adjust to make this better?"
If you continue on this path, you will start losing hope, your confidence will plummet, and you may even give up on your deep desire to find love. But, you still need to see your family, and you will dread it.
You continue going to the family parties because you feel obligated. And, in the best case scenario, you take things lightheartedly. Perhaps, you begin making fun of yourself and sarcastically tell your relatives that you will become a Buddhist monk in Tibet. But when you come home that night, you may cry yourself to sleep feeling lonely in your organic linen sheets.
Who the heck are those women from poems and novels
Do you think you could be one of those lucky ones that men write poems or songs about? Maybe your man will be a simple accountant or carpenter, but you can still feel powerful like a muse in his life. Imagine being able to date and not feel frustrated, confused, and powerless. You can definitely get there.
I want you to know that you can feel much more confident and enjoy dating and romantic relationships if you understand yourself beneath the label "too independent." Understanding deeper underlying beliefs and feelings that are beneath will help you feel liberated and empowered to accept yourself.
You can learn to relax into yourself and attract the men that will be into you exactly the way you are. You can even be too independent as they labeled you. There are men that will want you exactly the way you are. Keep reading to expand this insight, which is the first step towards getting the true love you want
What leads people labeling you "too independent?"
Being independent is one of the qualities that you strived for all your life. Once you feel accomplished, you are supposed to feel insufficient because of it. No! Your independence doesn't prevent you from getting love. It just masks other issues that prevent you from being open and receptive to men that are interested in you.
Usually when a man labels you "too independent," they may be mislabeling the fact that you have walls or that you don't allow them to give you a gift or do anything nice for you. When this is the case, men may feel uncomfortable with you because when you are not receptive, they feel irrelevant and helpless,
They feel that there is nothing they can offer you. Good men love to give. Giving makes them feel that they can make a difference in your life. Your independence isn't what makes them feel uncomfortable. Your discomfort when they offer you something makes them feel uncomfortable. They feel you.
Two beliefs masked by being too independent
Confident, high-value men love intriguing independent women. They want to be a part of their lives and enrich it even more. But, if you are not confident, you feel awkward when this kind of man gives you gifts (not just material objects, but instead any type of gesture that shows affection or appreciation). There are a couple of the main limiting beliefs that may cause you to feel awkward and unable to be receptive to these men.
Nobody gives anything for free
Somewhere in your life, you may have made a decision that you can't trust anyone that gives you something. You are stoic and think that if someone gives you a gift or affection, it comes with an expectation that you will give something back.
This belief reflects that you think that selfless love ultimately doesn't exist for the majority of women. You may even think that there are a few instances where a man loved a woman selflessly, but those are the cases described in the literature, movies, or songs. Ordinary women like you don't get this kind of love.
Do you think it's possible that you think like this to avoid responsibility for your own situation? You can just decide, "I'm not one of those muses," and go home. If you fail to make it, you don't have to point fingers at yourself. Convenient, but the second belief is even more likely to be the cause of your struggle in love.
I'm not worthy of love, affection, or gifts
This underlying belief is even more profound than the previous one. This belief is the one that can be the root of all awkwardness that happens when a man shows you affection or presents a gift.
Imagine the following situation. You casually mention that you have some computer issues. He offers to help you with it. You immediately feel awkward. Your anxiety goes up. After all, you don't want to cause inconvenience for anyone, and what to speak about the guy you like. You may mumble something like, "Oh you don't have to go through the trouble. I'll take it to a geek store."
You intended to avoid causing discomfort for the guy, but instead, you basically rejected him. Because you like him, your anxiety was high and he could sense it. If he is older or very experienced he may understand where you come from. But, if he is not, he will feel as if you don't really like him. To illustrate this point for you, I would like to take you back to when you were a little girl.
You love giving too
Remember when you created a little gift for your mom, dad, grandma, etc.? Remember how much you anticipated the moment when you were supposed to give them the gift. With so much anticipation and effort you put on some glitter and wrote a little note with love and affection. You were so excited when the moment came to give this gift.
Your mom, dad, or grandma was hopefully so excited and touched by it although your craftsmanship was not top notch. How would it be if your mom said, "Oh honey, you shouldn't have put so much effort? I'm Ok without your gift." The fact is that your mom didn't need your gift to survive, but it meant everything to her because it came from you.
So, now you understand how men feel when they try to give you a gift or do a good deed for you and you reject them by trying to spare them trouble. They anticipate your happy response, and instead, they sense your guilt due to feeling unworthy.
Remember you are a gift
In order to overcome this belief that you don't deserve true love and affection, it's important to understand what your and potential partner's needs are. I'm not talking about all the people here. We all have different needs, but I assume you are looking for true love. This means that you are looking for a man who wants the same. You can't find someone who wants only a casual thing and expects them to change for you.
So, your needs just like his are are to give all this love that you want to share. You, just like he does, are looking for someone who's gonna be able to receive and appreciate this love, someone who's gonna cherish it and not hurt you. When you allow yourself to receive his tokens of affection, you allow him to fulfill his need, to give.
This receptiveness is the most significant gift you can give to someone. Your openness to receive is what he needs from you. Now when you have a different perspective on this, you can allow more openness. You will still be triggered and feel anxiety when this happens.
How to deal with the beliefs that are not letting you open up
Changing isn't easy, but you can learn how to feel more comfortable in these situations. For the beginning, I recommend just acknowledging your feelings and beliefs. Doing so will help you develop a deepened understanding of yourself. Feel your anxiety, inhale, exhale, and note specific triggers that bring the awkwardness. Then, smile, and say "Thank you. That's so sweet."
Then, pause and acknowledge how amazing it is that this person took the time to do something sweet for you. You matter to him. Feel and express gratitude with joy. Doing so will help you build an emotional connection.
What matters is that you are able to experience the good feelings that come with receiving these gifts. Anxiety leads to awkwardness and doesn't allow us to enjoy in a current moment. It takes us on the ride to the Worst Possible Scenario City. You can let that train go and enjoy the moment with the guy in front of you.
Instead of resonating with your awkwardness, he will resonate with appreciation, gratitude, and mutual connection. His attraction will grow to affection and love eventually if you continue with this process. Even if you are too independent, he will like you for that trait too.
You can practice this sensation of worthiness by going back in time when you felt so important to your loved ones. Remember the time when your grandma loved you just for being you. Feel the sensations in your body, acknowledge your feelings and relish those memories in the present time. Remember you can be the greatest gift for someone even if you are too independent.
What are the next steps
I helped numerous women deal with painful feelings and limiting beliefs. They were able to find love just the way they are. Instead of giving up their career dreams, they found men that cherished them for all that they are. Their independence stimulated the guys and made them feel that they want to strive to be better men.
After working with me in therapy, relationship coaching, or taking my courses, my clients enjoy relationships without struggles. They uncovered emotional intelligence that allows them to deal with conflicts in the ways that bring them closer to their partners.
You too can feel empowered and confident when it comes to love. Could you have more than one of these limiting beliefs that prevent you from getting true love?
Check out the Accidental Singledom Checklist to find out.