How to Control Anger in a Relationship for a Happy Love Life

How to Control Anger in a Relationship for a Happy Love Life

Are you ready to finally learn how to control anger in a relationship? Did you know that you can do it in ways that will help you build a powerful bond and a secure relationship with a quality man?

If you are an anxious love seeker, you may find yourself frustrated because your partner doesn't give you enough of his affection. It's essential to manage your anger, so you don't sabotage your relationship. But, beyond that, you can actually utilize your anger to help you build a deeper emotional bond in your relationship.

Consequences of not controlling anger in a relationship

anger consequences

Managing anger is a part of my Secure Love Creator framework. Now, what most anxious love-seekers do is avoid addressing potential problems in hope that things will naturally work out for the better and then when that doesn’t happen, they blow up in anger which is why they scare off men. If they don’t blow up, the simmering bitterness becomes a major problem.

But you can fix all that by learning how to control anger in a relationship so you can go from an anxious love seeker to empowered secure love creator and use your anger to create more closeness with your partner or a quality man that is right for you. You did not expect that, huh? Yes! Your anger can help you become closer to your partner.

I would also love to hear from you? Why do you think women struggle to express their anger? Let me know down below.

Are you ready for the tips to control your anger?

Tips for controlling anger

In general, I suggest addressing any underlying issues that may cause you to react in anger that is disproportionate to the trigger. This most likely means that you have some emotional trauma. Addressing this in therapy will help you understand yourself and your needs.

Now, what to do when you are faced with something that upsets you? Remember, your anger is a guide to your healing and creating a secure relationship. Let's see what you can do.

1. Take space and figure out what your anger is about

Control Anger

Figure out if your anger is truly due to your partner’s behaviors or due to some old attachment trauma that was just triggered by your partner’s behaviors. As I mentioned above, your partner's behaviors may be not so harmful that warrant an extreme reaction, but we do get those extreme reactions.

You will know this based on how angry you get in the context of what happened. If the trigger is small, but you get extremely angry, then you know that something deeper is triggered in you and your anger is related to some emotional trauma. This is one of the most important aspects of controlling your anger in a relationship. If you don't take this pause, you may jeopardise your relationship.

Ask yourself are his words or behaviors are truly unacceptable to everyone or is it just you that has a problem with it. And regardless, you have the right to have your own standards that are different from other people. You just need to know how to communicate this in the ways that help you build a relationship instead of sabotaging it. 

2. Communicate that you are taking space and you will be back

take space and figure out

It's important that you don’t just cut off your partner when you take space. Communicate that you are taking space and that you will be back. This will help you create security and trust. After all, we are here to create a secure relationship, so we want to behave that way.

When you communicate like this, you are allowing both yourself and your partner to reflect and process what's going on. You are not causing more hurt to each other. You are creating a desire in him to reconnect with you and be there for you if you are hurt.

3. Assume that your partner is acting in a good faith

This is essential to keep in mind if you want to control your anger in a relationship. Hopefully he is not saying or doing something deliberately to hurt you. Consider that he may be somewhat clueless about what bothers you and what doesn’t bother you. You are just getting to know each other. If you really think he is mean and truly wants to hurt you, then you should run.

It’s important to know that some people may not realize how their actions or words affect other people. In this case, it is specifically about you. You have your pet peeves, and you need to communicate how his actions or words affect you.

4. Communicate after your process your anger

Communicate your boundaries, desires, needs, and wishes. Depending on the event that happened, you will utilize different strategies. For this it's important to know how to access your feelings, needs, and boundaries. In my course, Self-Love Revolution: Express Your Feelings and Capture His Heart, I teach women just like you to communicate from the place of self-love instead of resentment. This kind of communication enables them to create a powerful bond with their partners.

Show gratitude when he sees you and shows how important it is to him to not hurt you. This will help you feel closer to each other.

process your anger

5. Use mindfulness techniques to be in touch with your emotions to control anger in a relationship

The reason why we struggle with controlling anger is that we are not in touch with our emotions. If you are not in touch with your emotions, you will not be able to communicate your needs and boundaries effectively. Then accumulated resentment will lead to anger outbursts that will ruin your relationship.

Once you understand your emotions, your anger will be more manageable because you will at least understand yourself. Only then you can advocate for yourself. I teach my clients to pause and notice reactions in their bodies. You may feel tightening in your chest or throat, tightness in your neck or shoulders, or you may feel a pit in your stomach. Perhaps your fists are closing.

Ask yourself the following questions:

  • What am I feeling?
  • What are the thoughts that come up?
  • What beliefs do I have about myself when this happens?
  • When else did I feel like this?

You may get some answers and important insights, and sometimes it will take more time. The answers may come to you in a few days. It’s important that you are patient with yourself. Take your time. It will help you learn how to control anger in a relationship.

Extra self-soothing discovery

Extra self-soothing discovery

Then give yourself some love. Do something nurturing. Rub your arms, and thighs, and sit up straight. Inhale a deep cleansing breath. Remind yourself that these are just beliefs that came from some negative experiences. Tell yourself that you are going to work on these beliefs and not allow others to keep hurting you.

Now from this place, you can go and communicate with your partner. There are various ways to express yourself. You have to use your style, but here are some things to help you start:

- Hey what you did or said wasn’t OK with me.
- When you do or say that I feel as if you don’t care about me.
- I'm not OK when you do/say ____________.
- I will not tolerate ______________.
- I know other people are not upset about this kind of things, but I get triggered with it, and I would appreciate that you don't _______________.

Notice that none of these statements minimizes your partner. Instead you are just standing up for yourself. If he cares about you, he will not want to keep hurting you. If he does, then you will set your boundaries. Most of my clients tell me how their boyfriends or husbands thank me for helping them communicate.

Further steps

So, there you have it. This is how you manage anger in the ways that help you heal and create a secure relationship.

What matters is that you are confident and that you know deep down that you are worthy of all the affection and attention you crave. We all know you are worthy, but it may be hard for you to feel it deep down due to some attachment trauma or wounding that caused you to have limiting beliefs. This is an essential part of my Secure Love Creator framework where I help women just like you transition from anxious love seekers to secure love creators.

If you want to learn more, follow me on social media and share this with your friends who can use these tips. 

Also, let me know what helps you manage anger. What has worked for you? And what hasn’t? Let me know down below. Join my Secure Love Creator Club.

If you are tired of feeling as if your communication leads nowhere, and want to learn how to reach your partner, I can help. You don't have to feel frustrated and helpless anymore.

See if relationship coaching and consulting is for you.

Is relationship coaching right for you? 

I offer online relationship coaching for high achieving women interested in sincere high quality men, men ready to give you their heart. 



Get exclusive access to my best tips about love, dating, and relationships in the free Academy Resource Hub and download The Accidental Singledom Checklist: Are You Standing in Your Own Way?

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Challenge Your Accidental Singledom AssumptionsLearn how to change your limiting beliefs and get the love you want

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About the Author

I'm dedicated to guiding women from feeling confused and frustrated to feeling competent and joyful when it comes to matters of love and romance.

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