Falling in Love Almost Never Leads to a Secure Relationship
Wouldn't it be nice if things worked out like in romantic comedies? You fall for a devastatingly gorgeous guy who seems unattainable, but somehow he falls in love with you, and everything works out. It would be nice, but if you want a secure relationship, you need to do some inner work first.
The biggest problem that so many high achieving women make when looking for love is that they think it needs to happen “naturally.” They feel that if they put some effort, like being on dating apps or expressing their desire for a partner, it is simply not romantic enough.
Society and media don't show us how to create a secure relationship
The society blast us with various narratives that tell us what romantic should look like. A woman should keep herself pretty and wait for a gorgeous guy to pick her. Think of the sleeping beauty and similar fairy tales. She literally sleeps until the prince goes through all the trouble to rescue her. She only starts living after he kisses her. How is it a secure relationship when you kiss someone the first time you see them and they are half dead.
If you ask me, all these stories are created to keep us women and our sexuality under control. It also keeps us away from feeling empowered about our love life. Hey, you need to wait and wait for love to find you.
Hollywood movies just perpetuate that same message by offering us romantic story plots where two love birds accidentally bump into each other, and then he can’t forget her, so he jumps through hoops to locate her. In other words, you just need to wait and love will find you. And, you will live happily ever after. It just makes sense that so many women who grow up like this, find themselves feeling anxious about finding love.
How to feel secure in a relationship when we are raised to be insecure?
What are the chances of you succeeding like this? And, if you by some chance fall in love with someone random, what are the chances that he is right for you and that you are gonna be happy in this relationship? This approach will only cause you to feel even more anxious and insecure. You will meet fewer people, and you will feel compelled to make it work with a first-breathing human that is kinda OK. And, then you wind up in an unhappy relationship spending all your energy trying to change this person.
Ouch…Let’s not go there. There is a different approach if you want a secure, lasting, happy relationship.
So, how do you create a happy, secure relationship? You need to master the art of conscious dating with a purpose. This is a part of my Secure Love Creator Method.
Four elements of creating a secure relationship
First, you need to understand how to date with a specific goal of finding a partner that wants the same as you, secure love, and a happy relationship.
Let me tell you. You can't find love in your 30ties in the same ways you did when you were 16. As we grow up, we all have some baggage as well as different intentions. At 16 you were having fun and you had time to just fall in love and see where it goes. Right now, you need to discern who's gonna be a father of your children and who can provide you with security in a relationship. You need to master five dating stages if you want to feel security in a relationship.
You need to know how to communicate your needs and desires, so you avoid getting caught in mind-games with people who are only interested in something casual.
The biggest obstacle to secure relationships is lack of communication. If you are an anxious love seeker, like the most women I work with, you too will struggle with this. Women often struggle expressing their needs because we learned to feel ashamed of them. If you want to create a secure relationship with your partner, you need to learn how to express your needs.
You need to learn how to make good choices and how to figure out who’s right and who’s not right for you.
Remember when we were 16, we just fell in love. Some women still do that. The problem is that many fall in love, got married, and then in a few years they realize that this person is not right for them.
You see, we often fall in love with people based on our insecurities. Many anxious love seekers fall for people who are avoidant and then spend the rest of the relationship trying to change their partners. You need to do this mindfully, and you can do that after some healing. When you do this, you will be in touch with your needs and desires. You will also be able to figure out what drives him, your potential partner.
It's essential to know both if he can give you what you need from a partner and if you can and are willing to give him what he needs.
And finally, you need to know how to understand and regulate your emotions so your old issues don’t ruin your chances of being happy in a relationship.
If you are an anxious love seeker, this will definitely come up. How do you recognize emotions that come up? Are they flooding you because of your old wounds or is it because of something your partner is doing? Are you right to not trust him because of the way he is, or are you just overly scared because you have bad experiences in the past?
So, let me ask you, do you want to keep aimlessly floating in the universe hoping that love will hit you and everything will be OK, or do you want to take charge and make it work for yourself? Instead of being an anxious love seeker, you can become a secure love creator. You have that power. This is what I teach women.
I offer 1:1 relationship coaching and consulting. Feel free to contact me if you have any questions. If you are tired of feeling confused and frustrated with dating and men and you want to create a secure relationship with a quality man, I may be able to help.
Is relationship coaching right for you?
I offer online relationship coaching for high achieving women interested in sincere high quality men, men ready to give you their heart.
Get exclusive access to my best tips about love, dating, and relationships in the free Academy Resource Hub and download The Accidental Singledom Checklist: Are You Standing in Your Own Way?
You will also get two bonus courses:
Challenge Your Accidental Singledom Assumptions - Learn how to change your limiting beliefs and get the love you want
Reach His Heart- Communicate with your partner, so he never has to feel attacked