How to Know if You Need to Heal Your Anxiousness for a Secure Relationship
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One of the biggest mistakes anxious love seekers make is thinking that they need to heal completely before they start a new relationship. And, I get it. Everyone talks about having to heal to be ready for a secure, healthy relationship. But is it possible that relationships are actually healing? Can you heal while in a new relationship? If so, how do you know you are ready for new relationships in your life?
Many people think they need to spend years healing and achieve a certain level of self-actualization. But, let me ask you a question. Do you think that people who completed all the courses, went to therapy, and worked on other various kinds of healing processes always have healthy relationships?
Many don't consider that they can heal while in a relationship
Unfortunately, I see so many still waiting to become, what I call, better-er, worthier, readier version of themselves. Many never dip their toes into the dating pool, or even if they do, many run away at the first sign of things not turning into an epic romance. Their fears just take over, and they go back to the cuddling safety of singledom until they reach some imaginary healing point.
The problem with this is that you just reinforce the old notion that you are not good enough, that you constantly need to improve, and that you are not worthy of love just the way you are. Basically, you never come to a point of self-acceptance and self-love, which are essential if you want to create a secure, healthy relationship with the right partner.
On the other hand, I know that you can’t run from a relationship to a relationship. You will keep making the same mistakes. Heartbreak after heartbreak. So, how do you know you’ve healed enough for a new relationship in which you can continue healing and feeling self-confident?
Three things you need before starting a new relationship
If you want to be ready for a new relationship, you need to heal to a point of understanding these three things. These are your self-sabotaging patterns, understand what kind of relationship mindset brings you positive results in creating healthy relationships, and finally define how you want to be loved. Let's dive a bit deeper into these three aspects.
First, you need to become aware of your self-sabotaging patterns and learn how to manage trauma mind automations that cause that self-sabotage.
This is important because dating and relationships will bring these up. If you are not aware, you are gonna wind up in arguments, breakups, and various other kinds of frustrations and painful situations that just keep re-wounding you. When you are aware of your old pain, you can communicate with more mindfulness and thus gain more closeness and trust with your partner.
This work requires a bit more nuance and perhaps help from a knowledgeable trauma-trained therapist or coach. But, in order to help you heal gradually, I will give you a few tips that I give my clients.
When you are faced by some triggers, I recommend pausing. Take your time and process your feelings. You don't have to communicate your boundaries or needs right away. Explore the meaning of what happened. Consider if the trigger (usually words or actions of your romantic partner) is so drastic that it creates such a strong reaction in you. If you realize that it caused you to have a much stronger reaction than warranted, then you know you are dealing with some self-sabotaging patterns here.
Explore your feelings, memories, and see what kind of meaning you create from these triggers. Perhaps you determine that your partner doesn't appreciate you. It could be that you feel unworthy and therefore, you think that your partner thinks so. This will take careful mindful exploration.
From this place you can communicate more effectively with your partner. In this case, he can hopefully reassure you that you are worthy to him. This is a great example of how you can heal while in a new relationship. As you can see the awareness of your trauma mind automation and self-sabotaging patterns is essential for a healthy relationship and it's your own responsibility.
Secondly, you need to understand what kind of relationship mindset will bring you success in dating and relationships, so you don’t continue doubting yourself
This is essential, especially for anxious love seekers. Many position themselves as sales-people. In other words, they try to convince dating partners to take the relationship to the next level. Instead, you need to position yourself as a generous queen who has the most precious treasure, your heart and time. Then, allow them to show you that they cherish the gifts you have to offer.
In my group coaching program, I help women understand their unique gifts, explore different ways of being a woman, and get in touch with their sex appeal. Many anxious love seekers struggle because they feel like they are not attractive enough to deserve a healthy relationship. It's essential to understand your value if you want to find the right partner and be ready for dating.
Finally, you need to define how you want to be loved without feeling unworthy
Many anxious love seekers feel ashamed for wanting love, marriage, and so on. Very often, women try to make themselves look cool by pretending that emotional closeness is not important to them. Many say something like, “I don’t want to come across as needy.” Well, how do you hope to find the right partner and create a secure healthy relationship if you don’t know what you want or if you are ashamed to say it?
In my course, I help women identify their values, boundaries, desires. That's when they become confident and clear about dating. Usually when they meet dating people, their partner says how refreshing it is to meet someone who knows what they want. They repel the wrong ones and attract those interested in the same things, such as commitment, love, and togetherness.
Benefits of being clear with your expectations and desires
This is essential if you are ready to start a new relationship and continue healing. That's when you can connect with a partner who's on the same page as you are, someone interested in meaningful relationships.
Now, when you start dating, express your needs openly, and show up as yourself what do you think happens?
There will be some people that will flake off, and there will be some people that will be so stoked that they’ve met you. You know that good old phrase, “Where have you been all my life?” Those are the kinds of experiences my clients get when they complete this first stage of secure love creator framework and of course start dating.
All this I teach in the first stage of my Secure Love Creator framework, Self-Love Evolution. These are the first three steps you need to take and be ready for the Masterful Dating phase. The good thing is that these skills are not only for dating, but they will serve you in all your relationships.
So, can you heal while in a new relationship?
Having the mindset that you need to get a PhD in psychology to be ready for dating and continue feeling like you are never enough will not be helpful in this healing journey. What you can do is to learn to manage your triggers, find resources that help you feel good about yourself and continue your healing process with a partner that confirms that you are worthy, loveable, beautiful. Imagine how great it feels to experience all that growth again in a growing secure relationship with a man who also wants the same things as you do, emotional closeness, love, family, traveling, whatever it is. Someone who will appreciate your love fully and feel honored that you chose them.
You see, you may not even have all this down by the time you start dating, but what matters is that you have an awareness of your pain points, behaviors, triggers and strategies to deal with it all. Then, healing continues at a much faster pace than when you try to accomplish it all on your own for the purpose of readiness.
And, dating and relationships will bring up various triggers, but you will have tools to deal with them.If you want to build powerful attraction with quality men or improve the relationship with your partner, join my Secure Love Creator Club.
Is relationship coaching right for you?
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