Are Your Old Issues Ruining
Your Love Life
Feel Like a Muse (even if your guy isn't a poet)
If you are like the majority of us, you will have some old wounds from your childhood or your previous relationships. It's essential to understand how these past issues are ruining your love life so that you can address them. Awareness is the beginning step.
Do you ever find yourself looking at a cute guy, and he seems to be interested too, and then bam! You think something like, "There is no way! He is too cute to love me and not cheat on me."
Or, you are in a relationship with a partner that you love, but you just can't trust him. You don't even know why. You always worry that he will betray you.
What happens is that our old issues cause us to repeat negative patterns of thinking, feelings, and behaviors that are often beneath our awareness and they ruin our joy and chances of being happy. Once you become aware, you can catch yourself and actively work on changing these negative patterns.
Ways in which your old issues are ruining your love life
There are so many ways in which your past is ruining your chances of being happy in relationships. Everyone is different, and we all have various issues, but I will give you the three most prominent ways in which this happens.
1. You May Overreact
You've probably been in a situation when your partner said something slightly upsetting, but your reaction to it was way more extreme than what the situation calls for. You may become very upset or react furiously. Then, you find yourself feeling guilty and unsettled.
This kind of experience isn’t uncommon at all. Your partner most likely triggered some old wounds that you may not even be aware of.
It could also be that you are upset at him from before, but you haven't addressed it. Now, your reaction becomes compounded by the old issues that you haven't addressed.
On another hand, it could be that your old childhood wounds were stirred up by his comment, and the past issue amplified your reaction.
2. Old issues cause limiting beliefs that prevent you from getting the love you crave
Another way in which old issues are ruining your love life is that you can have some limiting beliefs that make it so hard for you to get the love and partner you want.
When parents raise you, they usually try their best, but sometimes their own insecurities and anxiety may cause you to have limiting beliefs about yourself. For instance, if your mom and grandma think that "all men are after only one thing," how are you supposed to feel about yourself in relation to men?
Of course, you will have a hard time trusting men. So, when you try to find love, you automatically assume that men are bad. It's clear how these old issues are ruining your love life even when they come from your ancestors.
In order to address your limiting beliefs, you can do a similar practice I've described above. You can also join Be Here & Now Relationship Academy and get the courses that will help you address these limiting beliefs.
3. You are unable to let go and enjoy
Finally, the third way in which old issues are ruining your love life is that you are unable to let go and enjoy yourself. Our family and society make sure that we accomplish a lot and that we are productive members of the community. This leads us to not being able just to be and relish the moment, but instead, we keep doing things one after another.
Besides the fact that we are raised to be doers rather than beings, we also may have some old issues that make us feel afraid of abandonment or that something terrible will happen and so on.
So, for instance, you may start dating a fantastic guy, and you have fun, and things are going well, but then you are always ahead of yourself. You wonder, when will he propose, when will our relationship move on to the next level, and so on.
You have a hard time pausing and enjoying the moment. You always think that fulfillment will be when you meet your goal. This tendency may be a sign that you may feel unworthy of love.
How to deal with past issues that affect your love life
It's evident that past issues are all related to limiting beliefs and negative feelings. Thus, learning how to deal with them is essential. The essential thing is that you slow down when you feel triggered. Just stop. Don’t react right away.
You most likely don't want to hurt your partner or anyone else with your words. So, what I recommend is taking space when you feel triggered. Just take your time and go away from the situation.
Start with awareness
When you notice being triggered, ask yourself the following questions to gain insight into what’s really going on. You can even write in a journal following these questions
What words upset me?
What does it feel like in my body right now?
Do I remember this feeling from before?
What kinds of thoughts come up?
What do I feel about myself when I hear these words.
Following these questions will help you understand where these old wounds come from. You will also learn how these old issues make you feel about yourself. Past wounds often cause limiting beliefs.
Observe the difference between what triggers you and how deep your pain is and identify the underlying feeling or a limiting belief
It’s often the case that the actions or words that trigger you don’t warrant an extreme reaction, such as yelling at someone or withdrawing.
For example, your partner may say something like, "I don't feel like going out tonight," and this causes you to feel so unworthy and undesired based on only limiting beliefs from your childhood. Then you yell or get upset at him.
Work on replacing those limiting beliefs from the past
The next step is to work on your limiting beliefs. In my coaching sessions with clients, I prompt them to find numerous examples of when they felt worthy. I also provide guided meditation to help them connect their body and mind around the feeling of being worthy in the past.
You too can remember instances when you felt worthy. You can recall memories of your grandma, parents, or even with your current partner. And, then relish this sensation while repeating the thought, “I’m loved.” Of course, you will repeat whatever thought come to you during this process. Feel how it is in your body at this moment.
This is just an example, but you may have different limiting beliefs that come up. You can do similar practice with every different instance.
Communicate with your partner
Now, when you are aware that his words are not what hurts you, you can express yourself assertively. You can tell your partner that when he canceled going out with you, you feel unworthy.
You didn't attack him or overreacted. You've just told him about your emotions. Doing this will allow him to get to know you.
Men respond well when you share your feelings with them instead of attacking them by saying something like, "You always do this," or "You never do that." What matters is that you don't put the burden on him. He didn't make you feel unworthy. After all, you don't want to guilt-trip your partner into loving you. That never worked.
Now that you understand the difference between deeper pain and a current trigger from your partner, you can manage your reactions and start working on those old issues that affect your love life.
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