How to Assert Boundaries with a Man if You Want a Secure Relationship

How to Assert Boundaries with a Man if You Want an Epic Secure Relationship

Feel Like a Muse (even if your guy isn't a poet)

Knowing how to assert boundaries with a man is powerful because it will help you create a secure relationship of your dreams. If you are like the most women I work with, you too want a relationship in which you don't need to wonder if he is into you, but rather, he reassures you every day that he is pushing the relationship forward. If you want powerful bond and attraction instead of being stuck in old push and pull patterns with wishy-washy men, learn how to set boundaries in a relationship.

This is a part of pillar 4 of Secure Love Creator Framework, and it's all about Conscious Communication from self-love instead of resentment.

Two Types of Mistakes with Setting Boundaries in a Relationship

Although most high-achieving women are excellent communicators many struggle in relationships because they don't know how to assert boundaries in relationships. This is especially the case in romantic relationship. Although they are high functioning and successful in their chosen fields, many struggle in romantic relationships because of anxious attachment style caused by attachment trauma from childhood.

Because of the anxiety, most anxious love seekers make two type of mistakes when asserting boundaries with men.

1. Not Asserting Boundaries with a Man and Consequences of It

The first kind of mistake is that they don’t express their boundaries at all fearing that the guy they are seeing is not going to like them or that they will come across as high maintenance, not so easygoing, and so on. Notice how this mistakes stems from a need to be liked, accepted, or appreciated.

The consequences of not expressing boundaries with men:

  • Because of this, they often wind up in relationship that are not to their satisfaction.
  • Or, they may think they are in a relationship with someone who doesn’t even consider what they have to be a committed relationship.
  • The other consequence of not expressing their boundaries is that they don’t allow the potential partner to get to know them and potentially make them happy.
  • You may miss out on so many good prospects because you are stuck with a guy who's not right for you. How would you know it? Well, if you learn how to set boundaries with a man, you would eliminate bad prospects sooner. 
how to assert boundaries with a man

2. Thinking that Good Boundaries Are Saying "The Way It Is" 

On another end of spectrum I see women who think that they are good communicators just by saying things "the way they are."  They consider themselves straight shooters.

The consequences of this approach to setting boundaries are:

  • These women don't realize the gigantic wall they build and how unapproachable they are.
  • Missing important communication cues from men and therefore feeling confused about men's intentions in terms of relationships
  • These kind of boundaries scare men away.
  • In long term relationships these women often wind up in arguments because their partners feel attacked.
  • As the result, these women wind up feeling that they are not relationship material and their self-confidence plummets

Hey, you don’t have to go through the same old cycles anymore. Once you learn how to assert boundaries with a man from the beginning, you will attract right partners and repel the wrong ones, so you can proceed to create a secure love.

Imagine, if you expressed your boundaries and instead of your biggest fears that he will not like you, he instead becomes even more attracted to you. Imagine how it feels when he continues trying harder for you even after you said what you had to say.

Yes! This is what happens to my clients who implement these communication techniques. Imagine how much more confidence you would have.  The effects of these small wins are compounded. 

The Benefits of Learning How to Set Boundaries in Relationships 

how to set boundaries in a relationship

Once you understand the underlying dynamics and meanings of boundaries, you will facepalm yourself and wonder, why haven't I learned this before. Well, my friend! I don't want you to go in that direction. It was not your fault. Our upbringing caused us to be people pleasers and to hide our own feelings.

How can you express your boundaries if you are not in touch with your feelings? So, no need to be mean to yourself anymore. You don't have to pickle in that brine anymore. You can understand the deeper meaning of setting boundaries in relationships and you can learn how to communicate them.

The lesser known secret is that men love when you set the boundaries. When you express your boundaries, you accomplish two things:

  1. You communicate that you are of high value—This means that you appreciate yourself and you will not settle for poor treatment. This is highly attractive to the right men, secure men, those that you want to date. They feel a sense of honor being with a women with high expectations.
  2. Men can feel emotionally safe with you—This is essential to understand about men. Subconsciously, they feel that if you respect yourself that you will respect them. If your boundaries are poor, they may not be able to trust you with their heart. When you open up, they can feel that they can open up too.

I hope that this understanding will give you some motivation to learn how to assert boundaries with a man. It matters to me because not only you will enjoy better love life, but you will also make this world a better place by teaching them how to treat you. Please be a part of this movement. So, continue reading to learn how to set boundaries in a relationship.

Boundaries are just one form of communication that helps you build secure love with your partner. There are others, but this article is focusing on boundaries.

You communicate your boundaries when something is not right., when something rubs you the wrong way.

The main issue to remember is that you deserve to be respected and if you don’t express your boundaries, you will miss out on creating emotional intimacy with him. 

How to Express Your Boundaries

So, when he does something that doesn’t sit well with you, what do you do? How do you express your boundaries?

You basically want to communicate that you feel disrespected. Depending on your relationship with him you can communicate this in different ways.

1. You can choose to be vulnerable while setting boundaries

This is a very powerful approach if you want to build emotional connection with your partner. Being vulnerable means that you acknowledge your feelings and you share them with him. This is supposed to evoke his protective instincts. By sharing these feelings with him, you remind yourself that you deserve a better treatment, while you are also honoring him by opening your heart.

Sharing your feelings and being vulnerable evokes empathy in him and helps him to get to know you. You also get to see what he is made of. Is he going to show caring for you?

The situations in which being vulnerable is appropriate:

  • If you care about him and choose to share your feelings with him
  • If he is somewhat clueless, but you determine that he is not a jerk
  • When you don't want to be categorical, but you want to see what he does after you share your feelings. This tells you how much he cares about you.

Examples of expressing boundaries by being vulnerable:

  • When you talk to your ex, I feel insecure.
  • When you don’t plan dates for us, I feel irrelevant. I wonder if our relationships isn’t important to you.
  • When you don't call me for a while, I feel disappointed thinking that I should move on.

Notice that you don’t blame him for anything. Perhaps, there is nothing wrong with his actions, but they make you feel uneasy, so you are sharing it and giving him a chance to learn how to love you, the way you need him to love you.

2. Evoke a little competitiveness in him

Another way to set your boundaries is by appealing to his competitive nature. You can use this when you are slightly more annoyed by his behaviors. Also, it is good to use it when you are not in a solid committed relationship yet, and you don't want to be vulnerable. You are basically communicating that you have higher expectations from him or any partner in your life. For instance:

  • I’m not used to men not calling me and planning for out dates. It makes me wonder if you are interested in getting to know me—In this instance you show him that he doesn’t measure up to be considered seriously.
  • Hey, I noticed you stop courting me as soon as I started growing closer to you. You know, I don't appreciate the push and pull type of relationship dance. Been there and I’m looking only for people who are ready for real thing. In this instance you show him that you have higher expectations and that you care for your personal emotional wellbeing.

Communicating like this will give him a chance to reflect and see if he wants to pursue a relationship with you. You communicate that you love yourself and that you know that there are men who can give you what you want.

3. Be short and direct

When he is just rude, you can be short and direct. You can say something like, “Nock it off.” That is unacceptable. If he doesn’t stop leave, and see what he has to bring later. Will he reflect and apologize?

This is powerful because you show him that you don’t take BS from anyone. You show him you love yourself first and that you demand respect.  

Additional tips that will help you set boundaries in relationships 

It's important that you understand that setting boundaries in a relationship will be a new skill for you, so take some time and be kind to yourself. Don't beat yourself up. Here are some tips that will help you.

  1. Take space away from him if you need to process your feelings and properly formulate your boundaries. You don’t have to have proper responses. You can take the time to process your feelings. Tell him you will talk to him later. Once you gain some practice, it will be easier to respond right away
  2. Be gracious. Don’t demand or expect anything from him. Leave him to reflect. Give him a chance to understand you and show you who he is.
  3. Recognize when he corrects his behaviors. This is simple reinforcement. Show gratitude

There you have it. Now you know how to communicate your boundaries with men to spark attraction and deeper connection, which sets you apart from other women, but if you don’t know how to access your deeper emotions, it’s gonna be hard to build a secure love and relationship. 

In order to access your emotions and share them effectively, it's essential that you address attachment trauma that so many women experience due to both family and societal norms and upbringing.  These emotional traumas and wounds cause us to feel unworthy of love just the way we are. Most high achieving women feel that they need to overfunction to make the relationships work.  This is exactly what I help my clients with. In our work together, we explore limiting beliefs that prevent them from enjoying healthy relationships. 

Perhaps you can benefit from relationship coaching? Check out my coaching packages. 

Is relationship coaching right for you? 

I offer online relationship coaching for high achieving women interested in sincere high quality men, men ready to give you their heart. 

Create Magical Attraction and Emotional Bond with a Man of Your Dreams 

If you are looking to create magical attraction with an amazing man, you need to know how to express your feelings and needs. Your feelings are the path to his heart. 

Learn how to process and express your emotions. I created a course just for that. Self-Love Revolution-Express Your Feelings and Capture His Heart  course will help you learn how to communicate with your partner in the ways that will deepen your bond.

Learn how to express your needs and boundaries in the ways that will make your partner feel empowered to make you happy and protect you instead of making him defensive. Your anger is the key to your deeper emotions. Once you become aware of them, you can communicate much more effectively.

Learn How to Understand Your Emotions and  Communicate Your Needs 

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Selflove Revolution

In case that you are not ready for coaching or therapy, you can sign up for my free academy where you can find courses that will help you with your love life. Sign up now to deal with your limiting beliefs that may prevent you from getting the love you want.

Get exclusive access to my best tips about love, dating, and relationships in the free Academy Resource Hub and download The Accidental Singledom Checklist: Are You Standing in Your Own Way?

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Challenge Your Accidental Singledom AssumptionsLearn how to change your limiting beliefs and get the love you want

Reach His Heart- Communicate with your partner, so he never has to feel attacked

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About the Author

I'm dedicated to guiding women from feeling confused and frustrated to feeling competent and joyful when it comes to matters of love and romance.