Origins of Insecurities that Cause Women to Over-Function in Relationships
Feel Like a Muse (even if your guy isn't a poet)
What are the causes of insecurity in relationships that makes us over-function and unable to enjoy dating and courting process?
One of my readers asked: "I feel the urge to lock in the next date straight away, to “see where it’s going” and to progress to the “next stage” of the relationship quickly. Do you have any advice on how to relax and enjoy it rather than this exhausting pushing to “see where it’s going” and to “lock it in” quickly?
Let's reflect on our lives as little girls and see what the potential causes of insecurity may be.
Is Knowing That "You Should Relax" Enough
This is such a common issue for so many women. We are goal-oriented humans and there is a dose of anxiety when we are not quite there with our accomplishments. Thus, when we are dating someone, we wind up working towards "sealing the deal," instead of figuring out who's the right partner for us.
If you want a lasting happy relationship as the final outcome, it’s essential that you learn how to slow down and enjoy dating. It's the opposite of what you are used to doing in all other attempts in life.
The three key points in this question are “hard to trust the unfolding,” “over-functioning,” and there is an urge to “lock it in quickly.” All of these are potential signs of anxious attachment.
Now, we all know that we should “relax and enjoy.” My audience and clients are intelligent women, but the problem is that many of us have procedural strategies that help us manage the anxiety that comes from the anxious attachment style.
Over-functioning Is a Symptom of Insecurity
Understanding the origins of insecurity in relationships will help you have an insight into your actions. Eventually, you can change your behaviors that will lead to more security.
I want to get into the causes of security in relationships, but lets first observe how that insecurity looks like.
We all do this differently. Some of us may act out in anger by abandoning a relationship, while some of us may go into the over-functioning mode to restore the sense of security in the relationship. What are we talking about here? Anything that comes out that anxiety and the desire to control the course of the relationship.
Some Examples of Over-functioning
trying too hard even if the guy you are dating is not showing you the same signs of interest
talking with your friends for hours, and analyzing the events from your date, trying to figure out if the guy is into you.
figuring out how to act so that you can have the best chances of attracting this guy
You see, as you are trying so hard for this one guy, it’s hard for you to figure out if this guy is the right choice for you. I see so many women struggle with this.
But, I want you to know that you are not alone in this. So many of amazing smart women struggle with this. And, most importantly, you can work through this. Understanding yourself will be the first step in helping you.
Limiting Beliefs Beneath Over-Functioning
When our parents are not attuned to us, we develop limiting beliefs that help us maintain attachment or bond to us. The word attuned is a professional jargon word, but it basically means that your parents are able to be there for you, understand your needs, see you for who you are, and not expect that you will meet their needs.
Unfortunately, many of our parents are unaware of how they show up in their children's life in spite of their best intentions. For instance, maybe your mother is so invested in being a good mom, that she fails to see you and what you need.
So, in order to survive, infants and children develop limiting beliefs about themselves because they need to see their parents in a good light.
Some of the most common limiting believes that are a cause of insecurities in relationships are following:
I’m not worthy of love
I need to work hard for everything
I can’t rely on anybody
Men are unreliable
I can’t find someone who’s gonna love me fully.
Of course, as I already said, this reader and all my other clients are intelligent, so none of us thinks this way theoretically. We know that we are worthy, there are good men out there, and some people are reliable. But these limiting beliefs are deeply rooted. Somehow these positive beliefs just don’t resonate deep inside. When fear arises, these limiting beliefs and the actions to manage anxiety just take over.
So, the long term solution is to address these limiting beliefs, but for now, I want to give you a quick overview of what some potential causes of insecurities in relationships are, so you can start building awareness.
Origins of Insecurities in Relationships that Don’t Let You Enjoy Dating
Your Romantic Relationships Neurologically Mimic Your Relationship With Parents
So, when you are dating, these insecurities come up in a big way because relationships with our romantic partners mimic those relationships with your parents when you were an infant. The problem is that you don’t have memories of those fears, feelings of abandonment, or feeling that you need to cry your eyes out in order to be understood or tended to.
If you had the verbal and comprehension ability, this would be much easier. You would perhaps think, “Oh, I feel gassy, and mama is just tired, so she doesn’t quite understand me. She is a little clueless about what I need now.”
But we don’t have verbal abilities at that age. So, the little baby learns that she needs to work hard to get the attention from mom. “Oh boy, I need to scream to make anything happen. Then when mom comes, she doesn’t get me.”
Little Baby Learns That She Needs to Manage the Relationship with Parents in Order to Survive
Thus, the little girl learns that she needs to be the one who propels the relationship. That’s not necessarily true, but the little girl internalizes this emotionally. She may think, " If I relax and don’t do anything maybe they will forget me," and in our body, it may feel like an extreme emergency, like a life or death situation.
And for the baby, it was like the life and death situation. If the little you had verbal abilities, she would be thinking, “What if nobody comes? I will die here.” Of course, now you know that you are not going to die if the guy doesn’t call you, but your body has the memory of these old wounds, and you are not even aware of them.
These body sensations that you are not aware of, may cause you to feel that you need to propel the relationship, seal the deal, and not be able to enjoy dating. You can potentially see the evidence of this in your body now. It may be hard for you to relax, let go, your shoulders may be creeping up to your ears, end so on.
So, one of the origins of insecurities in relationships is learning that you need to be the one to maintain the contact. It's subconscious and stored in your body. It is a limiting belief. The little baby felt that she needs to propel the relationship with the parents.
We will move on to recognize how our cultural upbringing of girls affects us to feel that we have to work hard for everything. This kind of wounding occurs a little later in life, but the consequences are similar.
You Learn to Associate Love With Hard Work
Later, the little girl learns more sophisticated skills to maintain her relationship with mom and dad. She learns that by being nice and accomplishing all her goals mom and dad will be happy. The little girl gets rewarded with the parents’ approval, and then she feels loved.
So, she learns to associate love with hard work and making sure that she is on top of it. So, when you grow up, you wind up doing all these activities that you think will help you maintain the relationship.
Many women find themselves in this predicament. Many try to figure out how to behave, how to communicate, what to say, what not to say, and so on in an attempt to make themselves more attractive to a man they want.
Often they don't pause to consider if this guy is right for them. It's just natural that you feel defeated and resentful.
Not Understanding Yourself Is Yet One More Causes of Insecurity in Relationships
In addition, nobody teaches you how to enjoy, tend to your own needs, how to read your own emotions, and so on. How would you know how to find the right partner if you don't understand yourself?
To make the matters worse, you may learn how to avoid feeling your emotions. How are you supposed to enjoy dating then? How can you know what your needs are, and what to speak about expressing them?
I know it’s hard, but you can change this. Now that you have some insight into the origins of insecurity in relationships and why you may struggle to slow down and enjoy dating, you can also learn the other way, the more joyful and relaxing way. It may be a little scary at the beginning, but you will learn soon enough how easier things become.
Your upbringing and insecurities may be different, but the healing path may be similar. Honoring your needs, learning how to be aware of your emotions and boundaries will help you. In my next post, I will share with you tips to help you with these insecurities and how you can enjoy dating.
Once you learn how to express your needs, you will feel much less anxious, and less needy. If you want to learn how to understand your anger, access your deeper emotions, and communicate with your partner in the ways that will make him thrilled to make you happy, you are in luck. I’ve created the Self-Love Revolution Course-Turn to Your Anger and Get the Love You Want. This can be a start if you want to heal anxious attachment style.
Self-Love Revolution-Turn to Your Anger and Get the Love You Want course will help you learn how to process your anger and communicate with your partner in the ways that will deepen your bond.
Learn how to express your needs and boundaries in the ways that will make your partner feel empowered to make you happy and protect you instead of making him defensive. Your anger is the key to your deeper emotions. Once you become aware of them, you can communicate much more effectively.
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