Feel Like a Muse (even if your guy isn't a poet)
If you find yourself frequently worrying about your relationship or wondering if your partner loves you, you may have an anxious attachment style. But, don’t worry. This doesn't mean a life sentence. You can heal anxious attachment style and acquire a secure attachment.
With a little awareness. insight, and some effective communication, you can make the right choices that will lead to happiness in your love life.
If you exhibit some of the following you may have an anxious attachment style
worry if your relationship will last
wonder if your partner loves you as much as you love him
you may feel that you are not worthy of this relationship
try to do everything to make it work even if you are not happy
One of the most common consequences of anxious attachment is that you may struggle to meet your emotional needs for closeness when you are in a relationship.
How can you exit the vicious cycle of frustration when your partner doesn’t show you enough affection? What does it take to get your needs met? Read more to learn how to avoid a trap that makes it hard for you to get the affection that you deserve from your partner. Once you heal anxious attachment style, things become much easier.
I personally believe that understanding your attachment style is one of the most useful things you can do if you want to have a happy lasting relationship.
When it comes to anxious attachment style, there is a lot of stigma and misinformation. There is a notion that people with an anxious attachment style are not independent or self-reliant. This is simply not true. Anxious attachment style usually comes in play when you start dating or when you are in a relationship. Many people are independent and self-reliant in other spheres of life.
Wrong Kind of Advice that Doesn't Focus on The Root of The Issue
The biggest problem that I see around is a lot of advice that focuses on teaching you how to be more self-reliant. They tell you, you should find a hobby, go out with friends more, become busy, and so on. You go and try all of that, but you still feel frustrated. Nothing has changed.
This annoys me so much. For God’s sake, you are already plenty busy. There is a dose of reinforcing the shame you may already feel about yourself. You don't need hobbies, you need emotional closeness. And the problem is that you adopted the shame about the most normal need, emotional closeness.
Here is the problem. Most likely you are not in touch with your needs because you internalized this shame about them. How can your partner understand you, when you don’t understand yourself? When you were little, you learned that your needs are somewhat too much and then you felt ashamed because of them. You had to cover it up, carry on, adopting the label of self-reliant capable woman.
So, should you be following the advice on how to be more self-reliant!?...No...That’s just gaslighting. You are already self-reliant. It’s time for you to accept your other parts, the more vulnerable authentic parts. Once you accept yourself completely, you can learn how to express your needs, so your partner can have a chance to be there for you.
Consequences of Adopting the Shame About Your Desire for Emotional Closeness
You may be like many of my clients who sabotage their relationship because of this shame. They accept the stigma and the label that they are “too needy.” So, they wind up being completely passive hoping that the universe will arrange everything for them.
They wait for love to come to them, just to find themselves frustrated and wonder, why isn't it happening for them.
If they are single, they go out of their way to give off signs that they are not interested in the guy that they really like, or in a relationship they fail to express their needs. Naturally, your resentment grows when your needs are not met regardless of how many hobbies, friends, or jobs you have
Why Is It Hard to Express Your Needs
What’s important to remember is that you don’t feel ashamed or that you don’t fall into a trap of accepting the label “needy.” This kind of gaslighting leads you to resentment and anger outbursts. You are not needy, but you just have a different desire for emotional intimacy. One lucky guy will be stoked to have your heart. What matters is that you know how to express your needs in ways that are palatable to your partner.
Why do we become angry when our partner doesn't give us the affection we hope they would? The answer is somewhat complicated, but it goes back to your childhood.
Our attachment figures, usually our parents, didn't get us in some ways. They didn't understand us, and they were unable to meet our emotional needs. Later in life, you hoped to find love, a partner who would give you the missing experience. But, your partner may not be attuned to be able to figure you out.
One thing that I observe is that most people don't realize the differences between themselves and their partner. You expect your partner to give you the same kind of love that you give him, but he doesn’t understand your needs. He tries to give you the same kind of love he needs. If he has an avoidant attachment, then he will try to give you more space when you need him to reassure you.
The other reason is that you accept that something is wrong with you from the very beginning and naturally you feel resentful. You never get to understand yourself. The problem with that is that you never learn how to stand up for yourself and express your needs and wants openly.
It goes back to feeling ashamed of who you are, so you try to figure out how you should be to be attractive to someone. Authenticity and self-acceptance are what will help you find true love. It may take some healing to get there, but it’s so liberating. It’s so worth it. The first step is understanding who you are and what you want.
Befriending Your Anger Will Help You Get to Know Yourself and Ultimately Heal Anxious Attachment Style
I get it’s not so easy to understand yourself. In my coaching sessions with clients, I teach them how to get in touch with their anger and then understand deeper emotions that are beneath that anger. You see, anger is usually easier to access, although we women get messages that anger is ugly. But, I’m here to tell you otherwise. I encourage you to accept your anger as well.
Alexandra is one of my clients I helped with this. She is in a relationship with a guy with an avoidant attachment style. Alexandra never thought of herself as someone with an anxious attachment style, but with this guy, she felt super frustrated.
Anxious-Avoidant Relationship Dynamic
At the beginning of their relationship, he was so romantic and attentive, but as the relationship progressed, Alexandra found herself wishing for more of his affection and physical touch. She was feeling defeated wondering, “Is he even happy to be with me?”
During our conversation, Alexandra was considering leaving the relationship, but she realized that her partner was a good man and that she wanted to work on it.
This is a typical dynamic in a relationship between a person with an anxious attachment and a person with an avoidant attachment style. At the beginning thighs are fabulous. He is trying to get closer to you. You are not so attached yet, so you are enjoying this part. As soon as you start attaching, your emotionally distant guy feels a need to withdraw.
Then you get angry and do protest behaviors, after which he tries reconciliation. You both reunite feeling happy, and here we go again. The cycle starts again. He withdraws and so on... I call it a relationship dance.
Acquired Secure Attachment-Healing Process
So, in my work with Alexandra, the challenge was to get to those deeper needs and emotions, so she can express them to her partner. First, we worked on acknowledging her anger and figuring out what triggers it.
Anger is an emotion that many women don’t feel permission to experience. Once she got permission to experience her anger, it was much easier for us to access Alexandra’s deeper needs and emotions.
Then we practiced how she can communicate them to her partner. This made such a big difference in her relationship. Her partner responded much better to her new ways of communicating.
Instead of running away with anticipation that she will just become angry or lash out, he was able to give her affection and reassurance while still taking space for himself when he needed it.
Willingness to Be Vulnerable Is the Key
So, what can be some of your needs? Maybe you need your partner to reassure you that he still loves you, or you need him to show you more affection. Maybe you need to know that he thinks you are awesome. It could also be that some of his behaviors make you feel emotionally unsafe or insecure.
You see how important it is that you are willing to be in touch with your emotions and be a little vulnerable. When you communicate with your partner about your emotions, he will not feel attacked. If he is the right guy for you, he will want to soothe you and protect you.
Once you learn how to express your needs, you will feel much less angry. Your anger doesn’t come just because your partner needs some me time. Your anger comes from that gaslighting that society, family, and yourself tell you that you are too needy. You are angry because you know that it’s BS.
Once you acknowledge your needs, you will feel much less anxious, and less needy. If you want to learn how to understand your anger, access your deeper emotions, and communicate with your partner in the ways that will make him thrilled to make you happy, you are in luck. I’ve created the Self-Love Revolution Course-Turn to Your Anger and Get the Love You Want. This can be a start if you want to heal anxious attachment style.
Self-Love Revolution-Turn to Your Anger and Get the Love You Want course will help you learn how to process your anger and communicate with your partner in the ways that will deepen your bond.
Learn how to express your needs and boundaries in the ways that will make your partner feel empowered to make you happy and protect you instead of making him defensive. Your anger is the key to your deeper emotions. Once you become aware of them, you can communicate much more effectively.
Learn How to Understand Your Emotions and Communicate Your Needs
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