How to Know if He is the Right One if You Want a Happy Relationship
Feel Like a Muse (even if your guy isn't a poet)
We've all been there. You meet a guy, and things are amazing. He can't get enough of you, and he jumps on Ophrah's couch in excitement proving the world that he is that much into you. Ok, ok, he is not that crazy. But, you get the picture. Things go really well, and you may think, he is the right one. You almost can't believe it's real.
And then, bam! You were right. In a couple of months, he starts showing his true colors. You notice, he seems to be losing interest. Or perhaps, he starts showing temper when you don't want to share your phone password with him. Maybe he has a habit or views that rub you the wrong way. These all are some serious red flags. Typical emotional rollercoaster ride. We've all been there.
At this point, you invested so much emotionally. Now you wonder if you should try to tolerate his bad behaviors and hope that he will change for you. After all, nobody is perfect, and people do change. Don't they? You two have such a good connection. How can you know if he is the right one?
Can weighing pros and cons help you figure out if he is the right one
If you continue analyzing this topic, you will wind up in more confusion. You can't get clarity pondering the pros and cons of your situation, or in this case, figuring out if he is the right guy for you. You will wind up justifying his shortcomings in the attempt to restore some of that happiness that you've had at the beginning of the relationship.
Unfortunately, when you do the mental gymnastics to make a relationship work, you wind up frustrated, depleted, and hopeless. In the worst case scenario, you will wind up in an unhappy committed relationship. Your life is too short to allow yourself to settle for unhappiness. Recovering from breakups and divorce is not easy, so let's figure out how you can know who might be the right one.
Know thyself first
If you really want to know if he is the right guy for you, you need to know yourself first. Knowing yourself means that you know what makes you happy, what makes you sad, and how you work with other people in a partnership. In many instances, you know yourself, but when it comes to love, you may struggle.
The reasons for struggling in romantic relationships are in your upbringing. As a little girl, you are raised to be attuned to others and their needs. You learned how to behave in the ways that are satisfactory to your family, culture, school, and so on. Thus there are certain expectations about what kind of person would be the right guy for you.
Often people marry based on the external characteristics, such as demographics, ethnicity, education level, family background, and so on. The right one winds up being handsome, from a good family, and with the excellent education. You two may look like a perfect couple, but at a certain point, you may realize that you and this person can't even enjoy hanging out together.
You may wonder how will you be able to figure out who's the right one when you don't know yourself so well. I want you to know that you can grow to understand yourself better and find the right guy for you at the same time. If you put a few things in a perspective and learn how to be attuned to yourself, you will be empowered to make the right choices when it comes to guys and relationships.
There is an easier way - four essential considerations
You don't have to feel confused and frustrated anymore. When you change the ways you look at things, and listen to your gut feelings, it can be much easier to figure out who can be the right guy for you. You too can be more relaxed on your dates or enjoy relationships instead of driving yourself crazy with questions that lead to further confusion.
Examine how he makes you feel
The most significant shift that will help you make these decisions about your life partner is to follow your intuition instead of pondering with unlimited pros and cons. You may feel it'll be difficult to rely on your intuition because you spent a lot of time in your head.
Perhaps your career and education required you to be analytical, and it served you well. But, when it comes to love and dating, relying on your logical skills will further confuse you.
I ensure you that your intuition is still there for you waiting for you to liberate it from your anxiety and insecurities. You can easily access it by focusing on how you feel about a particular guy. Instead of pondering how you will make him like you, you can sit back and see what he brings to the table.
At the beginning of your relationship, you may be high from all the happy chemicals in your brain, and you will most likely feel great. But, as the relationship progresses, the high of novelty will wear off, and you will be able to judge better. He too will start showing his real personality. If he is the right one for you, he will make you feel secure, cherished, appreciated, and respected.
Look at how the relationship progresses
Furthermore, if he is the right guy, he won't put you on a roller coaster ride. He will take things slowly, but he will gradually show you more and more affection. Your affection for him will steadily grow too. You will feel more and more secure to give your heart to the right one.
When you encounter conflicts, he won't freak out, but instead, he will show you that he is committed to resolving the issues. On the other hand, he will stand his ground too if he needs. Otherwise, you would probably lose your attraction for a guy who's not assertive enough.
So, observe how he makes you feel, and you will be able to determine if he is the right one easily.
Evaluate how your values and interests mesh
Figuring out if you have things in common is an essential aspect of a happy relationship. Are you the same tribe? When I say "tribe," I mean you two get each other. You also enjoy similar things, and you have similar outlooks on essential values. This doesn't mean that you have to be identical, but you need to know what are important values and how compatible you two are.
For instance, you don't want to be with a guy who's whole life is drinking sodas and playing video games on a weekend if you are an outdoor workout junky. How do you think your weekends would go if you take him for a seven-hour hike? Awkward! Or, if he wants you to play video games with him for six hours? You would probably rather poke your eyes out.
One of the most important things to consider is how you two spend time together and how you enjoy an ordinary day. You are not on vacation in a fantastic resort, but instead, it's a Sunday, and you two have no plans. Do you enjoy his company and conversations with him? If so, then he may be the right one. If you need to get drunk and go to Disneyland to enjoy your time with him, it's a bad sign.
A question that will let you know right away if he is the right one
Still struggling in confusion? This step will help you for sure.
You need to know one thing. He is not going to change! I will repeat! He is not going to change! This is the assumption that you need to keep in mind if you want to enter into a committed relationship. If you are not happy with the way he is now, things will not get better.
If his characteristics drastically diverge from your important values, it will be a problem. Moreover, if he is not up to your liking in certain aspects, the power dynamics will not be favorable for a romantic relationship. You both will lose the attraction for each other because you may wind up taking a mentor position. He will naturally feel inferior in some ways, and this dynamic will lead to further discord.
Focus on now - not the future
Maybe you two would be a great match if you were not at different stages of emotional development. One of you may be readier for more profound commitment than the other. Should you wait for years or decades for him to be up to your liking?
It'll be up to you, but if you can't accept him the way he is right now, you will be miserable. He's not the right one then. There is a question that I ask my clients to help them determine if the gay they are seeing is the right one. When they think of this question, they all sober up with a dose of reality. What matters is that they and you too make a choice being fully aware
Here it goes: "If everything stays the same and you are together in five or ten years, how do you feel about it?" This question causes you to go back to your guts and feel if it's realistic to think that he is the right one for you. When it comes down to it, there is not only one right guy. Many guys can fit that role
Another point to consider is if you can be the right one for him. What he needs from you is acceptance. Can you accept him the way he is? Can you enjoy what he has to offer? If you can't, you will make him feel helpless. Men give up on trying when they think that they can't please you. Why put you both through such an ordeal.
Support is available as counseling or relationship coaching
Perhaps you are struggling with a decision about a guy. It's always confusing when you are in such a situation yourself. It may seem hard now, but if you start using your emotions and ask yourself explorative questions, you too can feel more confident about your choices and most importantly make a choice that will be great for you.
If you need extra support dealing with anxiety or learning some of the skills, my therapy practice or coaching is here to help. I'm currently accepting new clients. Book a free consultation session with me. I'll help you figure out what you need to work on to find love. If we are the right fit, we can figure out how to work together. If not, I can give you some pointers.
In case that you are not ready for coaching or therapy, you can sign up for my free academy where you can find courses that will help you with your love life. Sign up now to deal with your limiting beliefs that may prevent you from getting the love you want.
Get exclusive access to my best tips about love, dating, and relationships in the free Academy Resource Hub and download The Accidental Singledom Checklist: Are You Standing in Your Own Way?
You will also get two bonus courses:
Challenge Your Accidental Singledom Assumptions - Learn how to change your limiting beliefs and get the love you want
Reach His Heart- Communicate with your partner, so he never has to feel attacked