Your Gloomy Story May Prevent You From Being Happy in Love
Feel Like a Muse (even if you guy isn't a poet)
No doubt, life can beat us down. Your negative experiences may cause you to have trauma or anxiety that prevents you from enjoying happy relationships. But, your story, the one that you keep repeating to yourself can cause you to perpetuate the same negative patterns that prevent you from getting the love you want.
Your story incorporates all your beliefs about yourself and meaning of life. Some parts of your story may be empowering, and some parts may be causing you to stay in negative patterns of feeling helpless.
Sometimes you may not even be aware of the narrative that's like some film perpetuating in your head. For instance, you want to find the true love and be with a partner that will love and cherish you, but your story is based on beliefs that most men are untrustworthy. This contradiction prevents you from being able to radiate with the right energy that is attractive to a person that would be your ideal partner.
Where your story comes from
There are so many things that influence how you develop your story. A lot of the beliefs that are part of your story come from the outside of you. You are influenced by your parents, extended family, and your culture. Also, we have media, education, and political system that all have their agenda and they influence you to adopt the story that suits their goals.
Media influence your story
Remember when you were coming back from the airport and riding on a shuttle. You are wondering how your next work week will go after the vacation. Perhaps, you are overwhelmed and somewhat happy that you have a lot on your plate because that keeps you busy and you don't have to face your loneliness.
You hoped love would have come by now and some cool guy would sweep you off your feet, but that didn't happen. Deep down you know you will need to do something about your love life. As you think this way, you glance over the commercials on the billboard.
You see stylized pictures of unrealistically beautiful, made up woman opening a gift. Her incredibly handsome boyfriend is adoringly holding her from the back in the hope that she will love the gift. You think, "This kind of happiness doesn't happen to me."
You also see a billboard with a commercial for a gym membership. Everywhere you go you see pictures of skinny women who don't look like regular women. That must be the reason why they are happy? Perhaps there is some selection somewhere where you get the emotional and physical package together?
What do you make of these visual messages
How do you think these billboards may affect your story? You probably know that these women are made up, and their pictures are altered, but it still doesn't mean that you didn't get several underlying messages to your story. What could those messages be? Perhaps they convey something about you.
- not attractive to be loved
- you are the smart one
- not skinny to be loved
- just ordinary and nothing special
- not the kind of woman that men are interested in
Besides negative feelings about yourself, also may internalize some misconceptions about love
Love is reserved only for women that are:
- extremely attractive
- very skinny (below medical guidelines)
- women who are perhaps not your ethnicity
These examples illustrate how profound effects media messages have on us. The marketers are there to poke at your pain points and try to sell you their products and services that promise particular results. They thrive on the fact that your story is the story of insecurity and shortcomings.
Messages you get from your family
Now, let's go back to your childhood. How did you grow up? Most of us have stories of mothers telling them about men. Do you know that your mother's story is the part of your story? Was your mother confident? How did she feel about men? Did she enjoy their company or did she feel like a victim of betrayal, abuse, or abandonment?
What did your mother tell you about men? We often hear statements such as:
All men are the same
Guys want only one thing from a girl
Men are not faithful
Independent women can't find love
You get the picture. How do these messages influence your story?
Similarly, your relationship with father also influenced your story related to men, relationships, and your self-worth. What messages did you get from your father? Did he praise you when you do good things, but otherwise he was emotionally distant? Could a part your story about love be that you can get love by accomplishing a lot and proving yourself worthy?
There are so many other ways in which your father influenced you and your story. And, both of your parents have their stories which affect the ways they parent you for better or for worse.
Cultural heritage and your story
Besides current media and your family, your culture and all historical events influence you and how you feel about yourself. Many cultures have seen women as commodity and women's value has been based on physical attractiveness. You can imagine how profound this cultural value has on your sense of self as a woman or a person.
It's just natural that you may perpetuate the narrative that may not completely serve you in your quest of finding love. The good news is that you have power over how your story ends. You can create the ending that suits you. What do you want it to be?
Does your story align with what you want in life
Is it finding love on top of your priorities? It should be. After all, you absolutely deserve to be cherished and appreciated for all that you are. If you learn how to focus on all your strengths and find meaning in your previous story, you can rewrite the new plot that will lead to the happy ending for you. Or better yet, the new happy beginning, the life with a man that will love you just for you.
What if your story stays the same
Of course, you can continue just the way you've been going. You can keep lying to others that you are too busy to find love and secretly hope that one guy will fall from the sky and you will have your happy ending. The problem is that this story keeps you in the same loop.
You stay busy so you can avoid feeling lonely, and you don't have to cry yourself to sleep. Continuing like this maintains and reinforces your same old story with the same old theme, "Love is unattainable like a lottery. Only lucky ones get it."
It's called the self-fulfilling prophecy. Your story leads to beliefs that lead to actions that give results that confirm your story. And, you don't get the love you crave. You are born to love and get love. Everyone deserves to be acknowledged and cherished just the way they are. You can achieve this transformation by changing your story and finding meaning in your old story.
Can you change your story
Although it will be challenging, you will enjoy it. You are capable of making these changes that will lead to getting the love you want. The less known secret is that when you start changing your story about love, you will get bonus results. Many of your other areas of life will improve too because once you transform your story you will start feeling more empowered.
Awareness of your story
To make changes to the story you keep telling yourself; you need first to be aware of it. In therapy sessions with my clients, I help my clients gain awareness into their old stories that keep them powerless to make desired changes in life by asking explorative questions. These questions help clients process their feelings and thoughts and increase awareness.
Then, we also explore the past and figure out what led to these stories. Sometimes we find generational patterns in how clients feel about themselves and how they see themselves in the world. Once clients gain this kind of awareness, they are ready for the next step. I help them figure out their values and identify limiting beliefs that disempower them to make changes that they want.
You too can process your thoughts and feelings by writing a journal. It's a powerful practice that helps many people, but it's missing input from another party that can be very helpful. If you can work with a therapist, I would recommend doing that for faster results.
Write your story out, just the way it is. You can use metaphors or imaginary characters. You can even exaggerate to gain more awareness of how your story negatively influences you.
Identifying limiting beliefs that prevent you from finding love
Identifying limiting beliefs will be easier once you are aware of your story. Doing this task will help you increase the sense of power because you will be able to separate yourself from this belief. The process of identifying your limiting beliefs involves catching your thoughts, examining them, and then changing them to replace them with healthier ones.
Figuring out how your story aligns with your values
You can examine your story and the life you live based on this story. You may realize you base your life on the story that others serve to you. Now you can assess if you live an authentic life and if the way you live leads to fulfilling your desires.
You may find yourself stunned by this process. My clients find themselves awakened after realizing that they don't live a life they want. They make some adjustments and start enjoying their lives. You too can get insight into how your life aligns with your values.
Questions that will help you figure this out include:
Do I enjoy working so much or am I running away from something
If love is essential to me, why don't I pursue it just as I have career and education
If everything stays the same within the next five years, how do I feel about it
These questions will help you take an inventory and decide future directions.
Rewrite your new story with a happy ending
Now when you are aware of your story, some negative thoughts patterns, and directions in which you want to go in life, you can rewrite your story utilizing these elements. Parts of it will be the same as the previous story, but you will modify other elements to be more empowering. For instance, let's examine a part of your old story.
Maybe you work so hard because you need to prove that you are worthy. Unfortunately, although you accomplish so much, you don't feel that your work is appreciated.
In addition to staying busy, there are beliefs that disempower you. Limiting beliefs intertwined with this part of the story is, "I'm not loveable," or "I need to prove myself to be loved," or "Only model types get to be loved without having to work so hard in life."
Your new story may be:
I'm such a hard worker, and I accomplished so much in my career, church, family, education, etc. Above all, I haven't been focusing on finding love. I just realized that I've been harboring some gnarly unhealthy beliefs. Perhaps, I was afraid, and that's why I focused so much on working so hard.
This is liberating because I can focus on finding love now. Just like I succeeded in my other areas of life, I can also do this. I know I can. I will.
To get there, I will adjust my work schedule, go out, meet people, etc...
Do you see how this story is so much more empowering and connected to your overall values and aspirations? Where will the process take you? You too can get the love you want if you make an effort to change your story.
How I can help
Perhaps it seems difficult now, but if you start working on your story, you will feel empowered to make the transformation in your life. If you need extra support, my therapy practice or coaching is here to help. I'm currently accepting new clients.Book a free consultation session with me. I'll help you figure out what you need to work on to find love. If we are the right fit, we can figure out how to work together. If not, I can give you some pointers. We can discuss different services that can be appropriate for you.
In case that you are not ready for coaching or therapy, you can sign up for my free academy where you can find courses that will help you with your love life. Sign up now to deal with your limiting beliefs that may prevent you from getting the love you want.