If You Play Hard to Get You Will Miss Strategies That Actually Work

Is Playing Hard to Get the Best Way to Attract Relationship-Ready Men

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If you are a high achieving woman with an anxious attachment style trying to date, chances are that you may fall into a trap of thinking that you need to be more self-sufficient and try to prove yourself like that. This leads many women to try some form of playing hard to get strategies.  The problem with this approach is that instead of attracting relationship-ready men, you will most likely wind up confused in a situationship with a man who doesn't.

Playing hard to get often involves sending mixed signals, intentionally making oneself less available or less interested, and withholding affection or attention. The idea behind this strategy is to create a sense of intrigue and mystery, which is thought to be attractive to potential partners. 

The question becomes, what kind of partners are you going to attract. If you play games and don't communicate openly, you may miss out on some great partners who are searching for soulful connection. In addition, this strategy of  playing hard to get makes us feel that something is wrong with being open and wanting real connections.

playing hard to get

Don’t accept societal gaslighting telling you that something is wrong with you for wanting love, closeness, and commitment

playing hard to get

Wanting love, connection, care, a partner that is relationship ready and not wishy-washy is completely normal. Let me repeat! There is NOTHING wrong with wanting love and connection. 

The other thing is, it’s simply not true that you are not sufficiently self-sufficient. For god’s sake, you are managing so much in life already, but somehow you accept societal gaslighting that tells you that you are needy, clingy, or that something is wrong with your needs and desires.  If you think that you're less desirable if you are open and you know what you want, you will miss out the strategies that actually work. 

That further leads to other mistakes you make when dating. 

Four dating mistakes women make because they try to follow playing hard to get strategy

 If you are like most overfunctioning love seekers  who also have an anxious attachment style you may try this strategy. Because of it, you wind up making some other mistakes that cause you to struggle in your love life. 

They try to figure out how to appear self-sufficient and therefore don’t express their needs and boundaries in relationships

When you don't express your needs, you don't allow your dating partner to potentially get to know you and make you happy if they like you. 

They position themselves as someone who needs to prove themselves worthy to dating partners

This causes so much stress and it's natural that 'playing hard to get' strategy may e a part of the plan to make yourself more appealing. This further may cause you to miss out on strategies that help you be more self-confident. When you are constantly figuring out how you need to be to be attractive, you message your inner wisdom that you are not good enough as you are.

They don’t take time to discern if someone is right for them before falling in love and attach too quickly even though they try not to

While trying to make it work utilizing various strategies, overfunctioning love seekers struggle making good choices in partners because they are preoccupied by figuring out what they need to do to make this particular relationship work. 

They overfunction and try to make it work even when they are not happy in a relationship

When these kinds of women end up in a relationship that doesn't work for them, they stay in it hoping that their partner may change. It often doesn't happen and that's why they wind up resentful.  

Playing hard to get is a strategy that society pushes on us to adopt

Look, I understand why you're doing this. This is what society keeps pushing on us. We learn to internalize deeply that something is wrong with us if we want more than what someone gives us. When you pair this with attachment trauma beliefs stemming from our family upbringing, it’s not surprising that we wind up overfunctioning and trying to appear self-sufficient.


playing hard to get

Playing hard to get will backfire if you want a genuine relationship with a quality man

While this approach may seem like a good idea in theory, it can be detrimental to building a healthy and secure relationship. 

It can lead to misunderstandings

When you play hard to get, your behavior can be misinterpreted by your potential partner. They may think that you are not interested in them or that you are playing games. This can create confusion and frustration, and may ultimately cause the other person to lose interest.

It can create unnecessary stress

Playing hard to get can be a stressful and exhausting experience. It requires a lot of effort and can make you feel like you are constantly walking on eggshells. This stress can spill over into other areas of your life, causing you to feel anxious and overwhelmed.

It can undermine trust

Trust is an essential component of any healthy relationship. When you play hard to get, you are essentially withholding your true feelings and intentions from your potential partner. This can make it difficult for them to trust you, and may ultimately lead to a lack of trust in the relationship.

It can create an unbalanced power dynamic

When one person in a relationship is constantly playing hard to get, it can create an unbalanced power dynamic. The person who is pursuing may feel like they are always chasing after the other person, while the person who is playing hard to get may feel like they have all the power. This can lead to resentment and ultimately, the breakdown of the relationship.

It can prevent true connection

Ultimately, playing hard to get can prevent you from forming a true connection with another person. When you are constantly putting up walls and playing games, it can be difficult to truly open up and be vulnerable with another person. This vulnerability is essential for building a deep, meaningful connection with someone

You may attract people who are not interested in a serious relationship

While trying their best to make it work, overfunctioning love seekers, who have an anxious attachment style, often end up attracting people that are not interested in commitment. Yes, these men like your company, and you two may be great together, but this person is simply not ready for a relationship of your caliber. By trying to be self-sufficient, you signal that you are OK with WHATEVER.

You may end up in a situationship

Thus you wind up in a situationship that goes nowhere. Although things worked well at the beginning stage when it was easy and fun, in a couple of months, you find yourself confused and not knowing where your relationship is going. He simply didn’t sign up for what you had in mind, a secure, committed relationship.

What works if playing hard to get doesn't

playing hard to get

Playing hard to get is not a good strategy for creating a secure, healthy relationship. Instead of playing games, focus on communicating openly and honestly what your goals and needs are. This will help you build trust, create a balanced power dynamic, and ultimately, form a deeper, more meaningful connection.

Being ashamed of your needs and pretending to be detached is a broken strategy. Would you go to your doctor and not express your needs? No, of course not. Because you would never get the help you actually need. 


Also, look around. What do most women who are happy in love say about how they got there? You never hear something like, I had to pretend that I didn’t care, so he was hooked and loved me forever. Instead, they say something like, I was just being myself and we hit it off.  Moreover, you will hear something like, “When I had my freak-out and embarrassed myself, I thought he would definitely disappear. But, no. Instead he reassured me that he likes me and that he wants to take it to the next level.

There is so much more to what they don’t say because these women are unaware of what us overfunctioning love seekers go through. So how are you supposed to manage dating and relationships if you have an anxious attachment style, if trying to be self-sufficient isn’t the right way? 

Trying to be self-sufficient will lead you to attracting men who are not interested in commitment. Besides, wanting connection, love, and commitment doesn’t make you needy. You’ve been self-sufficient for decades, and you want a partner now. 

Three tips for creating a secure healthy relationships

So, here is what you need to do when dating if you want to attract quality men and avoid two-month dead end situationships

Remember who you are

You are not someone who depends on mercy for love. Think of yourself as a generous queen who has the most precious gift to give. Your heart and your time are the most precious gifts, so you need to figure out who’s the right recipient instead of positioning yourself as someone who is hoping to prove herself worthy. 

playing hard to get

Instead of falling for someone just because you have a strong attraction with them, take your time to figure out if they can make you happy in the long term. 

When things don’t work out or you see the red flags, express your needs and boundaries.

Let him show you how he reacts to that. This will help you see if he is right for you or not. Chances are he will stay the same and not change. But secure quality men love when you communicate with them. This helps them get to know you. That’s when they know how to make you happy. Here is a secret. Men LOVE to make you happy. 

There you have it. Follow these three tips if you want to attract quality men who want serious relationships and commitment instead of people who are just into having some fun. 

What’s your choice? Do you want to continue contorting yourself into someone that you think you should be, like self-sufficient and attract men that just want to have fun, or do you want to be yourself and communicate openly what you need, so you can attract quality men who will be eager to start the next chapter with you. 

If you are tired of dead end situationships with wishy-washy men see how working with me can help. 

Is relationship coaching right for you? 

I offer online relationship coaching for high achieving women interested in sincere high quality men, men ready to give you their heart. 

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I'm dedicated to guiding women from feeling confused and frustrated to feeling competent and joyful when it comes to matters of love and romance.

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