How to Improve Communication in Relationships

Is Saying It “As Is” Really the Best Way to Communicate Your Needs in Relationships

Communication in relationships is one of the biggest challenges for so many women. The communication skills that you need in a relationship aren't related to your verbal skills. Many high achieving women are great writers or orators, but when it comes to communication patterns in romantic relationships, many struggle. 

The reason for that is that many women are struggling with understanding their emotions, and if you want to improve your communication, you need to be open to understanding yourself more and communicate after you process your emotions.

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Communication in relationships isn't only about the facts

communication in relationships

After holding back so much hoping that things will work themselves out, women find themselves frustrated that their partner doesn't meet their needs. They often resolve to just spew everything that's bothering them. Many pride themselves by being someone that just "say's it as is." But you will not improve communication by going from being totally quiet and not expressing your needs to blasting your partner with unprocessed anger. 

Saying it “As Is” isn’t the best way to communicate your needs or boundaries in a relationship. Your unprocessed anger will not help build a healthy relationship. When we get angry and don't see what's beneath that, we tend to say mean things that may cause do you really mean “you’re a jerk?”

I know…I know… After beating around the bush and hoping that your partner will get it one day is highly frustrating when nothing changes. Many overfunctioning love seekers experience this. We may oscillate from walking on eggshells to lashing out in anger that we call “communication as is.”

Effective communication of your needs and boundaries doesn't involve telling your partner all that is wrong with him

But here is something to consider. Most likely, what it seems “as is” to you could be a lot of your old wounds being triggered by your partner mixed into telling him everything that is wrong with him. Most likely, what you say is usually influenced by your current emotional state, such as anger, frustration, and so on.

Imagine yourself at work and doing your best, and if your superior wanted to give you feedback on one thing that you need to improve by saying, “you never do anything right,” or “you always suck at everything…” You would feel defeated. Similarly, when you are angry and communicate from that place, you probably say something that hurts your partner.

communication in relationships

Most likely, when you two are having a good time, you don’t necessarily feel these negative emotions. So “Saying it as is,” isn’t necessarily as is. It may be just a part of “what is.”

Think of it. Usually when we express ourselves in anger, we lash out, exaggerate, or even call someone ugly names. How’s that gonna convince your partner to change his behaviors? You will just awaken his inner rebellious teen who will just ignore you while flashing inner middle fingers at you.  

Most importantly, communicating from this, what I call an unprocessed emotional place, will just lead to more pain and frustration and it will cause your partner to misunderstand you. You will not improve your relationship

What is a healthy communication in a relationship?

Healthy communication allows you to express how you're feeling without making your partner feel bad about himself. By telling him what your needs and boundaries are, you give your partner the chance to understand you at a deeper level. Together with your partner, you learn how to be better for each other. You too can improve communication in relationships if you learn how to process your feelings and then express them in the ways that help your partner get to know you. This is the only way in which he can actually meet your needs and develop an emotional bond with you.

Importance of having a healthy communication in your relationship

Healthy communication is one of the most crucial components of any successful relationship. It is the foundation that helps both partners feel heard, respected, understood, and loved. In a relationship, communication helps to build trust, intimacy, and support each other emotionally. When partners are open and honest with their thoughts and feelings, they can prevent misunderstandings, conflicts, and unnecessary arguments.

 Good communication also helps to create boundaries, solve problems, and negotiate compromises that are fair and favorable to both parties. Moreover, when both partners communicate effectively, they can strengthen their bond and feel more connected to each other. Ultimately, communication is an ongoing process that requires effort and practice. It's worth investing time and energy into improving it because it creates a fulfilling, healthy, and loving relationship. 

How your angry outbursts ruin emotional and sexual connection with your partner

When you release all the accumulated resentment while communicating with him by stating what it seems like facts to you will not land well with your partner. 

He may feel that you are accusing or attacking him. Instead of pointing out how his behaviors affect you, you may wind up wounding his sense of identity. That’s when you’ll hear something like, “Why are you with me if I’m such a horrible person?”  

Seriously, this is a good question for you. This kind of negativity just causes your partner to lose faith that he can actually do anything to make you happy. Furthermore, it may cause him to awaken his inner teen and rebel against you. This way you may wind up losing that sexual attraction and emotional bond with each other.

Understanding nuances of communication in relationships will help you create a powerful bond with the right partner.

How to improve communication so you can build a deep emotional bond with your partner?  

You want to communicate effectively, genuinely, and without severing the emotional bond with your partner. Moreover when you learn more about communication in relationships, you can step more into personal power when it comes to love and relationships. What are the steps that will help you communicate better?

communication in relationships

Process your feelings first

You need to understand what his behaviors or words upset you, and how all this makes you feel. For this, you need to be in touch with your feelings, and many women struggle with this. Our nervous system is used to keeping us safe by not being in touch with difficult emotions. That helped us accomplish a lot without fear of being hurt. But in romantic relationships this lack of self-attunement leads to poor communication.  

It takes a little practice to learn to feel safe feeling your feelings, but it's very rewarding. In my program, The Course of True Love, I teach women how to stay in touch with their emotions and communicate effectively in relationships. This helps them improve communication and strengthen emotional bonds with their partners.

Stay in your power and owning your feelings

 This means that you acknowledge that these are your feelings, not necessarily facts. Your partner's actions, words, lack of actions, or lack of words only triggered you. Your job is to honor your feelings while keeping this distinction between feelings and facts. You will know facts once you communicate and allow him to explain himself.

Express your feelings clearly while pointing to his behaviors

Once you understand your feelings, you can communicate with your partner. It usually looks like: "When you did/sad ________, it made me feel _________. " This will have a much better impact than saying something like, “You never…” or “You always…” This way, he will not feel attacked, but he will rather be compelled to take care of you. He will show you with his nonverbal cues that he cares if you observe his body language. He would lean towards you and try hard to resolve communication problems between you two. 

Examples of effective communication that builds emotional connection with men

Let's find some ways to communicate better. What does it look like? Let's see how we can improve communication and strengthen our intimate relationships.

When you share your feelings with him and point to his behaviors you can deepen your emotional bond

  • When you don’t call me, It makes me wonder if you care about me. Notice in this example how you show him what behaviors bother you, but you don't blame him for it. You also share a bit of your heart. You tell him that it's important that you know that he cares about you. Of course, you need to know what type of communication to use depending on the stage of courting you are in with him. At the beginning, you may choose to be less vulnerable, and in later stages, you may open your heart a bit more. 
  • It makes me feel disconnected when you play your games all day and don’t attempt to spend time together.  Again, you are pointing to behaviors, but you don't make him feel that he is a horrible person because he indulges in what he enjoys. You communicate that you want to be more connected, and this should be beautiful for him if he is your man.

Expressing your boundaries in firm ways can also improve communication in relationships

There will be times when you want to be more firm and set clear boundaries. This is scary to so many women, but it's important to do it because men lose respect for you if you tolerate their bad behaviors. They don't feel emotionally safe with you if you don't stand up for yourself. And, there will be times when they screw up and violate your boundaries. Hopefully that won't be something that is a deal breaker, but the sooner we start setting boundaries in effective ways, the better it is. It can help you strengthen your relationship. So let's consider some examples.

  • I don’t appreciate it when you are late and don’t call me to let me know. I will not go on a date with you if it happens again. You are firm and calling on his behaviors at the same time. If he cares, he will definitely make sure he respects you. This is how you build fulfilling relationships. 
  • If you plan on doing that hot and cold dance with me, I'm out. I've been there too many times, and I don't engage in it. If you lose attraction to someone who's growing to like you, I will stop investing my feelings into this relationship. This is a powerful way to tell him that you don't want an emotional rollercoaster of anxious-avoidant trap. I recommend using this script as soon as you see the first signs of him pulling away when you start growing closer to him. If he is your man, he will get the message and shape up. If not, he will withdraw even more, and that's a good thing because you don't want someone who will put you through hot and cold cycles.

Improve your communication your way to convey deeper messages

communication in relationships

There are different communication styles in relationships. The examples above are just a small part of what I teach my clients utilizing Love Building Communication, which is a fifth step of The Course of True Love. These are just a couple of ways to improve communication in a relationship. There are so many more important aspects to consider, but this should give you a good start. 

The key to a good relationship is communication, and it's not about these particular scripts. It's rather about your deeper processes and what you want to convey to your partner. Communication in relationships is the tool of building connection, attraction, and healing. Thus, you have to develop your own style. 

The examples I provided communicate that you hold yourself to high value and that you expect the best for yourself. you also possibly convey that you expect the best from him and that he will take you seriously. He can choose to treat you well, but you are definitely not causing him to feel attacked. Instead, you are actually teaching him how to treat and respect you.

Promise me you will try communicating this way, from the place of self-love instead of resentment.

Are you ready to master communication in relationships?

I hope I convinced you of the importance of communication in relationships. We keep hearing communication is key, but not too many people explain the deep meaning of it. You can become a better communicator by learning how to access your emotions, so you don't need to regret hurting your partner. You also don't need to remain in an unhappy place of not having your needs met. It's all in your power. 

So, which will it be? 

Communication from unprocessed anger “as is” or mindful empowering communication that facilitates love and emotional bonding. If you want to improve your relationship with your partner you need to improve your communication skills by learning how to communicate your feelings. This is an essential part of creating secure love in a relationship.

communication in relationships

If you are struggling with communication issues and need help with this, I’m opening a group for a few women who need help communicating in the ways that will help them build an emotional bond with the right partners.  I also provide 1:1 coaching. You can apply for a free consultation and we can discuss what works for you. 

Is relationship coaching right for you? 

I offer online relationship coaching for high achieving women interested in sincere high quality men, men ready to give you their heart. 

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About the Author

I'm dedicated to guiding women from feeling confused and frustrated to feeling competent and joyful when it comes to matters of love and romance.