How to Self Soothe Abandonment Wound Triggering in a Relationship

How to Self Soothe Abandonment Wound Triggering When in a Relationship

If you are an anxious love seeker, this article is going to be very important because you’re going to finally see how to self soothe abandonment wound triggering, so you don’t have to feel needy, insecure, or frustrated. And believe me they will be triggered if you start dating or you are in a relationship. 

Learning how to self-soothe and manage emotions specifically triggered in romantic relationships is a part of my Secure Love Creator Framework and is essential. The problem is that the most anxious love seekers avoid dealing with these triggers, and it totally makes sense. Avoiding these triggers helped you manage and survive for decades. The problem is that if you don’t deal with these triggers, you will not be able to create a secure healthy relationship, and avoiding something is never effective. These triggers will always come back. 

Dire consequences of abandonment wound triggers

  • Sabotaging your chances of creating secure relationships, especially if you are an anxious love seeker. In an effort to avoid feeling triggered with abandonment wounds, you may resort to overfunctioning and making a relationship work even when it's not good for you. Thus you wind up in an unhappy relationship. 
  • Falling in love with emotionally unavailable men. It's paradoxical that we fall in love with emotionally unavailable men although we are afraid of abandonment. For anxious love seekers, this kind of dynamic feels familiar due to their early childhood experiences. 
  • Not feeling attracted to people who are ready to love you is another consequence of abandonment wound triggers. When someone is ready to love anxious love seekers, many are not attracted to those kinds of partners. They find themselves of pursuit of that unattainable love.
  • Surprise feelings of rage can happen even when trigger isn't so big. This happens because there are simmering frustrations that are never addressed. It's essential to learn to control anger if you want to avoid sabotaging your chances of creating a happy secure relationship. 
  • Never figuring out who you are as you are constantly focused on preventing abandonment. Many anxious love seeker don't understand their needs, what makes them happy in a relationship, and how to ask for it. It's another way of saying that you may struggle to connect with yourself. Learning how to express your needs is essential for anxious love seekers if they want to become secure. 
  • Unable to receive love is another consequence of abandonment wounding. A consequence of this may be that even when someone loves you, you may struggle to feel and receive love.  I've seen many women married to a loving man, but they struggle to embrace that love. They may think that the man is only loving her because the man is nice, not because she is worthy of love. One more reason why it's essential to learn how to self soothe abandonment wounds. 

I would also love to hear from you? What are some other consequences of abandonment wound triggering? What are some of the ways in which you self soothe abandonment wound triggers? 

Now, if you learn how to manage abandonment wound triggers, you can actually focus on building a healthy secure relationship. Let’s dig into it, shall we.

It is important to mention that you may benefit from seeing a therapist, especially someone who specializes in addressing emotional trauma that causes abandonment wounds through some somatic modality. These and other emotional traumas are stored in our body and doing this kind of work is very effective. This is something that I help my clients with, and I am about to give you a few tips, so you can apply in your life.

Keeping your prefrontal cortex online is essential for self soothing abandonment wound triggering 

So what to do when your abandonment wounds are triggered? What matters is that you keep your prefrontal cortex online here. This is the part of the brain that helps us be present in the moment. It also helps us reason and make good decisions in life.

We all tend to dissociate when we are triggered, and the limbic system takes over. This is a part of the brain in charge of our emotions and survival. This is very helpful in dangerous situations. There is no time to ponder. Instead, we are ready to fight, run away, or submit in dangerous situations. These kinds of reactions helped us survive, but survival strategies won’t help you connect emotionally and build a secure, healthy relationship. 

 So, how do we keep the prefrontal cortex online when we feel triggered? 

self soothe abandonment trigger

1. Remind yourself that you are not truly in a dangerous situation

Stay present. Notice what's going on around you. Perhaps your partner said of did something that triggered your abandonment wounds. And your reaction becomes much bigger than the triggering event. 

This is an important moment  This realization will help you keep your cortex online. Remind yourself that you are not in a real danger,  but you are only afraid of being abandoned. When you remind yourself of these simple facts, you are already involving your prefrontal cortex or the smart part of the brain.

2. Become curious about your experience in the moment to self-soothe abandonment wound triggering

self soothe abandonment trigger

Curiosity killed the cat, but it will help you stay present, and show a some empathy towards yourself. It's also a great way to keep your  cortex online and deal with the abandonment wound triggers. How to do this? Ask yourself questions that make you think. For instance: 

  • Why am I triggered?
  • What actions or words brought me here?

Notice that the other party may not have any negative intentions. While you are at that, ponder some alternative explanations to what’s happening instead of defaulting to what your abandonment wound is telling you.

This part of processing has an additional benefit. Once you know what triggered you, it’s easier to communicate to your partner in the ways that will help you connect. For instance when you share that you felt triggered when he said certain things, your partner may reassure you that he is not going to abandon you.

Other kinds of questions  to ask are related to the past. This kind of exploration is the best done with a qualified therapist, as it can be more triggering. If you are not too upset, you can explore the old events that caused abandonment wounds.

 Exploring your bodily sensations can help you gain a lot of insight. For instance, you may notice a pit in your stomach, tightening in your chest, or a lump in your throat. Noticing these bodily sensations helps you stay in the moment. It’s important that you name them as bodily sensations. Once you pay attention to them, your body will most likely find ways to feel better.

Our bodies are very resourceful, but we need to listen to them. You can further find ways to feel better. Perhaps putting your hand on your chest, rubbing your belly, hugging yourself can bring some comfort. 

3. Show curiosity about the meaning you created when someone abandoned you

Finally, as you explore past events that caused abandonment wounding, show curiosity about what meaning  you made about these events. In order to survive, we need to create these trauma beliefs. For instance if we have abandonment wounds, we most likely may create beliefs such as: 

  • I’m not worthy of love and commitment. 
  • Nobody cares.
  • Real love and commitment don’t exist.
  • I can’t trust anyone.
  • Nobody will be there for me.
  • I can rely only on myself.

You get the picture. We all have a different way in which we create these limiting beliefs. Can you imagine how hard it will be to create a secure happy relationship when you have such a negative world view about relationships? 

4. Challenge your trauma beliefs

So, here too, you can challenge some of those beliefs. Not to gaslight yourself as if you are wrong, but you can show some self-compassion. You can give yourself some self-soothing talk. For instance:

“I know it was hard, and I had to create these limiting beliefs to survive, but perhaps there are some people I can trust. Maybe I can give it a try."

5. Be patient with yourself and start with small expectations 


Furthermore, remind yourself that you can always withdraw that trust and that you can start trusting with minor issues. For instance, instead of trusting that someone will not abandon you, you can trust that they will show up for your birthday party. You can also remind yourself that you have a good head on your shoulders and that you will make sure that you vet the candidates for your heart carefully. You can take as much time as you need. 

Final words on managing abandonment wound triggering

Once you provide this framework to your younger wounded parts, they can feel reassured that you will protect them and that you know how to make good decisions. Gradually, you can integrate with your younger wounded parts that are potentially sabotaging your relationships. They need reassurance and acknowledgement. Providing them with this experience I’ve described can be very helpful. This is something that I help my clients with and it is a very effective way to become ready for a secure, healthy relationship. 

If you follow these steps, you can significantly improve your ability to manage abandonment, wound triggering, and other difficult emotions, but this is only a small part of my secure love creator method. There are so many other things you need to know. For instance, how to date if you want commitment and meeting quality men, how to understand who’s right for you and so much more. 

If you want to learn more, follow me and share this with your friends who can use these tips. Also, let me know what helps you manage abandonment wound triggering. What has worked for you? And what hasn’t? Let me know down below. Join my Secure Love Creator Club

If you are ready to grow and become ready for a relationship of your dream with a partner eager to start a life with you, let's talk. Check out my coaching packages. 

Is relationship coaching right for you? 

I offer online relationship coaching for high achieving women interested in sincere high quality men, men ready to give you their heart. 



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About the Author

I'm dedicated to guiding women from feeling confused and frustrated to feeling competent and joyful when it comes to matters of love and romance.

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