How to Be Attractive to Quality Men and Break Bad Boyfriend Habits
Feel Like a Muse (even if your guy isn't a poet)
Have you ever wondered how some people wind up together? Have you seen these beautiful, accomplished women dating guys that are jerks? We've all seen those women who are not just good looking and accomplished, but they are also generous, sweet, intelligent, and influential in the community, Some women keep dating bad boyfriends perpetually.
Perhaps you are one of them. Do you have a history of relationships where you are attracted to bad boyfriends, and when someone treats you well, you put them in the friend category. Many of us have been in this situation, so you don't have to feel bad. The good news is that you too can get out of this spell and feel more empowered to choose the guys that deserve you.
The emotional rollercoaster of repeating the same patterns with different bad boyfriends
When you start a new relationship, you feel happy and full of hope. After a little while, you realize that he is just like all the others were, bad boyfriends who don't care about you in the way you need them to. What happens?
There are so many scenarios in which they show up as bad boyfriends. Some of them are cheaters, some are just in it for themselves, and some of them may not respect and cherish you for all you have to offer.
Perhaps, some guys are simply bad people. They may be deliberately deceptive just to get something from you. They may often turn out to be violent or even criminal.
If you are not interested in becoming his guidance counselor, stay away from this kind of guy. He will be a lifelong project, and you will never have a mutually loving relationship and partnership.
Your goals are different
On the other hand, some of them aren't necessarily bad people. They are just not ready for a relationship that you wish to have. In this case, he may have communicated to you about who he is, but somehow you failed to hear, or you hoped to be able to change him or convince him to love you to your level of satisfaction.
If you are involved with this kind of guy, it's possible that you are not emotionally ready for the relationship that you crave. What can be helpful here is to have the insight into the fact that you are settling because if you try to change him, it will be painful and frustrating. Tolerating his bad behaviors will leave you exhausted and disheartened, and he will lose respect for you.
Dire consequences of repeating the same patterns with bad boyfriends
Just like in the first case, when a guy is a terrible person, here too, you live your life for the hope of a better future. People do change, but not so quickly and not when others bicker at them to change.
So, if you are willing to have a life project that may take decades, you can pursue a relationship with this guy. After you get your goal though, don't be surprised if you forgot who you are and if one of you or both of you lose initial attraction for each other.
You can't expect that your attraction will remain if you have mentorship relationship for decades, and yes it will most likely take decades for him to grow into a person of your satisfaction.
It sucks to have to go through this cycle though. You keep chasing what you truly need deep down in wrong places. You will wind up with a lot of pain and frustration.
The most dreadful consequence of repeating these patterns is that you may lose faith that you can ever find true love. Eventually, you will close off and not be able to open your heart to seek the love you want.
You don't have to keep repeating these patterns. Just as many other women did, you too can break this negative cycle and enjoy the love you've always dreamed of.
For God's sake, you have so much to offer to the other person. It's just fair that you get a partner who's gonna cherish you and appreciate the love you have to give.
If you gain insight into your patterns and actively seek to change them, you too will be able to overcome this harmful spell and attract good quality men that are eager to love you for all that you are.
Knowledge is power-Why do you choose bad boyfriends
This topic should be another post, and I will definitely address it. But, for now, I'll give you just some necessary information. Our upbringing has a lot to do with what kind of partners we choose.
You choose your parents
Based on the Imago theory, we choose partners based on how one or most likely both of our parents treated us. We are usually attracted to partners that have both good and bad sides of our parents.
So for instance, if your father was emotionally unavailable, you may be attracted to guys that are unable to give you the love you crave. You are attracted to the guy because being with him feel familiar. Familiar is usually comfortable.
When you were a little girl, you idolized your father and his love. You didn't have a capacity to see his shortcomings and understand that his capacity for love is limited.
Instead, you positioned yourself as a little girl that's not good enough to be loved by such a fantastic dad. There is always something more you need to do, so maybe he will love you. Is this familiar? The same continues with other men in your life.
The narative in your head goes from, "If I just get all the good grades, he will love me," to "If I'm just prettier, skinnier, or if I work hard and tolerate his bad behaviors, he will grow to love me."
They raised you to compete and prove yourself to get love
If you are like the majority of women I know, you too are raised to be a people pleaser. What does this mean? I'm not only talking about the extreme case of someone who can't say "no" to anybody. The way your neurons are wired causes you to think of others and how you can adjust yourself to be liked by them.
Your parents most likely didn't teach you how to be happy and enjoy life, but instead, their agenda was to make you the best possible person you can be. They hoped that if you are sweet, eager to please, be a good student and worker, you would be happy too.
So, you gradually learned that you get positive feedback when you are compliant, pleasant, sweet, etc. When you express yourself openly about something that you didn't like, you will get disapproving glares. Your anxiety goes up, and you would rather agree than run a risk of losing love from your parents.
Your dating life and sense of self
Now the same psychological procedural tendency is present when you go out dating. You wind up with a hope that you will be able to make this person like and love you, so you can have a relationship you want to.
You never feel good enough, so you overcompensate by losing weight, going on some regiments that will increase your attractiveness, and so on.
Furthermore, when you go out on the date, you may struggle to be present and enjoy the process of getting to know the guy. Instead, you overanalyze and try to figure out how you can make him like you.
When you are present, you can read the signs how your date is going. This means that you can see if he likes you and most importantly if you truly like him.
when you start a relationship, you may struggle because you try to overfunction. Instead of allowing things to unwind naturally, you try to control the relationship. You are trying to build the relationship with your imagination of who this guy could be if he just realizes how amazing you are.
And, you are amazing. The only problem is that you are not allowing the guy to realize it because you don't show up as yourself because you don't understand how cool you are. If you knew how amazing you are, you wouldn't try to make yourself likable to bad boyfriends.
How to attract and be attracted to quality men
When I talk about quality men, I mean men that you think you would want your daughter to get (whether you have one or not). I'm talking about a man who's ready for a relationship, who's not interested in playing games with you, and who would be thrilled to be with you. You don't deserve anything less. It's time to stop right boyfriend spell.
Figure out what you want
In therapy sessions with my clients, I help them regain the sense of confidence and figure out what they truly want in life and from a relationship. If you don't know yourself, you will struggle to find the right partner. It may be hard to start, but you too can do it.
If you don't know what you want, at least you can start the inventory of past relationships and figure out what you don't want. You can write in a journal to explore more.
What can you learn from the past relationships with bad boyfriends
If you don't learn from the past relationships, you will continue repeating the same patterns. Most importantly, taking responsibility for that relationship will help you feel more empowered to stop making the same mistakes. When you take responsibility, you can feel more in control in the future relationships.
Position yourself as someone who has something to offer
Doing so boosts confidence. You deserve to be loved by someone, just for being you. Beyond this, all the love that you want to give is the most precious gift you can give. Remember this!
Go on dates with a sense of wonder about guys you are dating
Instead of figuring out how to make him like you, try to see what his needs are. Ask him questions and get to know him. Show true interest in him because this will help you figure out if you two are good for each other.
Ask yourself, "Do I have what this guy needs?" This approach enables you to feel empowered and at the same time have empathy and compassion towards the guy you are dating.
Write in a journal to bring awareness to your emotions and thoughts
If you want to speed up the progress, I recommend therapy or relationship coaching. These services can help you become aware of your thoughts and emotions and therefore feel more empowered about your choices.
If you are not able to afford these services, writing in a journal is helpful to process your feelings and thoughts. Here are some questions that can help you get started that will help you avoid bad boyfriends in the future and attract quality guys:
What was the best and worst part about the relationship with x?
What can I learn from this relationship?
What did he need from me?
What's my responsibility in relation to not getting the love I want from him?
What's so unique about me? What do I have to offer to someone?
What qualities do I want from him
I know it's hard to imagine to make these changes so quickly. You don't have to do it alone. I'm here to guide you through this transformation. As soon as you start, you will feel much better.
Support is available as counseling or relationship coaching
In the case that you need relationship coaching or counseling to help you calm down nerves that won't allow you to be vulnerable, I'm here to help. We all need a little extra help. And why not? If you can get closer to your goal of getting the love you want, why wouldn't you? Life is precious, and why would you let the months or years pass you by.
Schedule a free 15-30 minute consult; I will help you figure out what you need to work on to enjoy your love life or relationships.
In case that you are not ready for coaching or therapy, you can sign up for my free academy where you can find courses that will help you with your love life. Sign up now to deal with your limiting beliefs that may prevent you from getting the love you want.
Get exclusive access to my best tips about love, dating, and relationships in the free Academy Resource Hub and download The Accidental Singledom Checklist: Are You Standing in Your Own Way?
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Challenge Your Accidental Singledom Assumptions - Learn how to change your limiting beliefs and get the love you want
Reach His Heart- Communicate with your partner, so he never has to feel attacked