Why I Hate Telling Women They Should be Feminine to Find Love
I see so many coaches and relationship gurus telling women that the path to finding love and attracting a quality man is becoming more feminine. This is a gigantic trap, and it’s one of the biggest myths in the industry that may keep you stuck and unable to fulfill your desire for a happy, soulful relationship. There is nothing really wrong if you want to be feminine, but you need to know that there are so many other important skills for a healthy relationship.
It’s understandable that you may feel like this may be something that you are missing in your assortment of attempts to contort yourself into thinking about how else you need to show up in the world to be adequate. For so long, we women hear so many messages about what’s wrong with us, how we should be, and how we can become something or someone that society thinks we should be.
Don’t get me wrong. If you want to discover your femininity and nurture it, great! Nothing wrong with it. But what I want you to know is that you shouldn’t do it for the sake of becoming more attractive to men so you can find love.
I’ll give you a few reasons why this is not particularly a good idea.
Should I be more feminine?
What’s up with femininity? Let me tell you. I enjoy getting in touch with my feminine side, and so should you. It is beautiful, but I don’t recommend using it as a means of making yourself more adequate as a dating partner. This approach doesn’t allow you to figure out what it takes to create a healthy, lasting relationship. If you want to feel feminine, you can explore what it means for you. We can talk about feminine look, for example. We can also talk about how you feel about yourself and your sexuality. Some women enjoy exploring this way of being.
I'd say, whatever makes you feel empowered and increases your self-esteem, you should pursue. I just want you to know that if you want to be more feminine, you don't need to disown your other parts of self that helped you survive and thrive. You are just adding more to your overall assortment of awesomeness. With that said, it's important to remember that there are more skills you need for creating a secure relationship.
Trying to cultivate feminine energy may derail you from developing other important relationship skills
First, for a healthy relationship, you need to know yourself, your needs, and boundaries. And solely trying to become more feminine doesn’t allow you to connect with all your parts. When you are not aware of all these other usually wounded parts, this will definitely hurt your relationship later. So many women self-sabotage their chances to create a healthy relationship because of these limiting beliefs that are not addressed.
This is why Self-Sabotage Liberation is the first step of my Secure Love Creator’s program. This is the exact system I use to help my clients get to know themselves, and understand where their limiting beliefs about love come from without negative self-judgment. Doing this work allows them to be more confident when dating, have better communication, and create a genuine connection with men.
This is when so many of my clients develop a feminine aura. They become radiant and so many people notice something different. You will feel more feminine when you allow for that self-acceptance and self-love. And for this, you need to do some work and allow a little time.
Trying to act more feminine may cause you to re-traumatize your wounded younger parts of self
Another issue with artificially trying to contort yourself into something that others suggested you should be like, leads to emotionally re-traumatizing yourself. Our oppressive patriarchal society order continues the oppression because we internalize we are not good enough very early on. We learn we are not good enough to be loved just the way we are, especially when we don't appear more feminine as they want us to.
So, what do we do? We try to figure out what else someone is saying is wrong with us, what else is lacking. Perhaps when I make myself look more feminine, I can be more likable.
But that is not how you create secure, happy love in a healthy relationship. Even if you meet an alpha man who is attracted to you because you made yourself more feminine (whatever that means), he doesn’t get to know your true self because frankly, you may not know yourself enough to let him get to know you. If you survived emotional trauma like many of us have, it’s likely you are ashamed of your true self. Trying to be more feminine will not lead to healing and self love, which is an essential step towards a healthy relationship with others.
You can feel more feminine when you accentuate your other traits
If you enjoy being in touch with your feminine side, by all means keep doing it. One thing I want to remind you is that you don't need to worry about the right amount of "feminine energy" the society expects you to show. Also, remember that there is so much more to you than being feminine.
For instance, you may be a good communicator. This is, in fact, a very important relationship skill. Learning how to express your needs will help you create a powerful emotional bond with your partner.
What are some other traits that are super helpful when it comes to relationships? Besides being feminine and attractive, being able to enjoy and have fun is a great way to connect to your partner. What about your ability to understand others? This is essential in relationships too.
So, what I recommend is instead of focusing on ways to be more feminine for a relationship, focus on concrete relationship skills.
What's your choice?
So, let me ask you. Do you really want to keep wondering how else you need to change yourself to find love, or do you want to get to know how you want to be loved, so you can find a partner that will be stoked to love you just the way you are?
This second option is really the only one that matters. This is what our soul wants, and nothing less is gonna make us happy.
I would also love to hear from you. What do you think will help women find love and create a healthy relationship?
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