Good Chemistry on a Date Doesn't Equate to a Good Relationship

Is Good Chemistry a
Good Predictor of a 
Happy Love Life?

So many dating women, especially anxious love seekers, think that good chemistry on a first date is essential for a happy relationship. And, don’t get me wrong, good chemistry is wonderful, but so many of you confuse it with many other important elements needed for a healthy relationship. Most anxious love seekers consider only spark and attractiveness as the sign of chemistry. Then they latch onto that, thinking that this great chemistry is a sign that they should give their heart to this person.

Consequences of focusing only on attraction or spark as a sign of chemistry between people

good chemistry

But, I get it. We all watch it in every single movie, presenting good chemistry as the most important factor that tells you if you are compatible. Even if the protagonist in the movie winds up riding into the sunset with an aloof guy who finally gave his heart to her, we forget the torment and emotional ups and downs that they go through.

Don't forget that their relationship doesn't end there. This is just the beginning. We don’t really see what happens after the movie is over. The end of the movie is usually just one of the upswings of their emotional rollercoaster.

In real life, many women wait for decades for their guy to change, to surrender his heart to her, to reassure her she is the one, that he loves her just the way she always hoped he would. That romantic chemistry from the first few dates is gone by now. You're putting in more and more efforts, while feeling more and more depleted.

At some point, the reality hits and this addictive quality of so-called good chemistry wears off. When pain replaces hope, many women get slammed with the reality of who their partner is and his capacity to love her in the ways she needs. She realizes she cannot force her partner to fit into what she hoped he would be.

When we realize real intimacy requires more than chemistry on a first date

This is acceptance, and it's very hard to achieve. I’d say, as painful as it is, it’s a beautiful, liberating moment, the moment in which you can make an informed choice. Will you accept and love him the way he is, or do you need something different? 

Oh, all of that for so many months, years, or even decades, just because of your addiction to this so-called good chemistry. This is a good time to reexamine what you actually need for a happy, lasting relationship.

And, I can actually say that good chemistry is a good indicator depending on the stage you are in and how much understanding of what good chemistry is you have. Am I confusing you, huh? Bear with me a little. 

good chemistry

If you are an anxious love seeker, you will most likely confuse good chemistry with your tendency to be attracted to emotionally unavailable men, those who can’t love you in the way you need them to love you. Having this awareness is important. 

So, let’s see what else you need besides good chemistry if you want to create a happy, healthy relationship with a quality man who also wants the same, committed healthy relationship.

What does dating chemistry exactly mean?

So, is good chemistry essential for a happy relationship? The answer is complicated and nuanced. In other words, if you are self-aware and able to recognize other necessary aspects of a good relationship, good chemistry can be a good indicator. And even then, you need to give yourself more time to discern. This means to figure out if you have other important ingredients you need for a healthy relationship. 

This is exactly what I teach women utilizing my Secure Love Creator framework. So, after you complete the third step, Couture Love Plan, you can trust your own guts a little more and consider good chemistry because you will also have the insight about potentially unhealthy choices that you make after completing the first step, Self-Sabotage Liberation. Once you establish that you have good chemistry with someone, you will be able to discern if you have all other aspects necessary for a happy, secure, lasting relationship.

So, what are some of those aspects that you need to look for? Well, that’s everything that you determine in the third step of my Secure Love Creator Framework, Couture Love Plan. And I teach women exactly how to create this plan. Yes, you need to have some basic cultural compatibility with a potential partner. So yes, there will be some lists of what kind of life-style you want. This part isn’t that hard, and they are based on personal preferences. But it’s important that you know how it feels to be in a secure, healthy relationship. 

Anxious love seekers' limited sign of great chemistry 

Most of us anxious love seekers know how it feels to be what we call excited when we meet someone who gives us that similar dynamic with our emotionally unavailable parents. We find ourselves attracted to someone that we don’t even know yet. We think that this good chemistry means everything. Good chemistry in this instance, is the yearning that keeps us stuck in this addictive mode, hoping that the object of our affection will finally drop his guard and give his heart to us. This is so painful.

Secure love creators don't rely on the addictive chemistry

Now what do secure love creators, or women who at least complete the first three steps of my program do differently? They too may feel the same kind of chemistry, but they know that they have to keep discerning. It means that you give yourself time to choose a partner. You are basically figuring out if you can love these people and feel secure and happy in a relationship with them. 

Signs of good chemistry besides immediate attraction

So, yes, infatuation is a sign of good chemistry, but we can't stay only with that. We need to take time to explore other important aspects of it.

  • You can feel comfortable with each other. To be comfortable, you need to feel safe with this person besides feeling attracted.
  • You can experience each other's sense  of humor. Laughing together is one of the best predictors of relationship happiness.
  • Maintaining a good eye contact is another sign of strong chemistry.
  • Having a good date and fun together. You will definitely feel the chemistry when this happens.
  •  Laughter is yet another sign that you two may feel comfortable togather.

These are just some signs of connection and good chemistry on a date, but there is more to it. Even if you feel all these signs, chemistry can't replace other important aspects of a secure relationship.

What else do you need to consider?

So, what else do you need for a healthy, lasting relationship besides good chemistry? Yes, there is compatibility of lifestyles, goals, personalities and most people know this, but there is one thing that many forget.  It is essential that you feel safe and secure with this person. Anxious love seekers conflate safety with boredom, while they think that the emotional roller coaster they go through with emotionally unavailable people is excitement.  You can actually have excitement and safety at the same time, but you need to take your time to figure it out. 

The beautiful thing is that while taking your time to discern, you are actually changing yourself and learning about your needs. Healing takes time and you are sharpening your abilities to do it. I know it’s not easy to become a secure love creator right away, but knowing the principles and developing your insight will help you to be on the right path. 

good chemistry

I helped numerous clients get there. If you want to build powerful attraction with quality men or improve the relationship with your partner, join my Secure Love Creator Club.

But, what else do you think is important to have good chemistry on a date? What do you think we need for a healthy relationship? Let me know.

Is relationship coaching right for you? 

I offer online relationship coaching for high achieving women interested in sincere high quality men, men ready to give you their heart. 

Get exclusive access to my best tips about love, dating, and relationships in the free Academy Resource Hub and download The Accidental Singledom Checklist: Are You Standing in Your Own Way?

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About the Author

I'm dedicated to guiding women from feeling confused and frustrated to feeling competent and joyful when it comes to matters of love and romance.