Is Your Anxious Attachment Style a Problem in Adult Relationships?

Does Anxious Attachment Style Make You Undesirable to Romantic Partners?

What's up with anxious attachment style? Does it mean that your relationships are doomed? Are you somewhat less desirable partner? We can't talk about this without mentioning that most likely you will be in a relationship with a person with an avoidant attachment, which is another insecure attachment style. This combination will cause extra distress for both partners, but what's important is that you don't buy into negative narrative about yourself.

Don’t let anyone convince you that something is wrong with you just because they can’t love you the way you need and deserve to be loved. If you have an anxious attachment style, it is not pathological. clinical disorder. It’s rather your way of adapting to the world in the environment you grew up in.

Anxious attachment style has its challenges but also beautiful strengths. What matters is that you know who you are, what you stand for, and what you want. Of course, it’s important to figure out your triggers so they don’t ruin your chances of having a happy, lasting relationship. Otherwise, don’t let anyone ever make you feel like something is wrong with you just because you crave more intimacy and closeness than they do. 

Signs of anxious attachment style in adult relationships

anxious attachment style

Most anxious love seekers find themselves in a relationship constantly questioning what’s wrong with them when they meet someone who’s perhaps avoidant and who doesn’t provide consistent attention, affection, and efforts in the relationship. Here are some of the questions you might be asking:

  • Am I good enough for him?
  • What if he doesn't really love me?
  • Did I do something wrong?
  • Is he going to leave me?

The problem is that by questioning yourself like this, you wind up feeling defeated. You become one of them, the people who are rallying against you, who are messaging you that you are not good enough, that something is wrong with you, that you don’t deserve love. These are some old limiting beliefs that occur due to some kind of abandonment in your past.

Insecure attachment style is reinforced by our cultural propaganda

The thought of most people that they do not deserve love usually comes from our upbringing geared to constantly make us feel that we need to keep improving ourselves and that we are just not quite good enough. This is especially the case when our primary caregiver only acknowledges our presence when we achieve something that is expected of us. For instance, acing the exams.

There are so many things that could influence our lives very early on or later in our childhood. Many women may not even remember anything wrong happening to them. Our self-esteem isn't only based on our caregivers, but also on our cultural upbringing and propaganda that's been messaged to women for millennia.

anxious attachment style

Society treats us women as commodities and it just makes sense that we become insecure and need constant reassurance about our looks, our worthiness, or our accomplishments. This insecurity is further reinforced by our parents, who want to make sure we succeed in life so they push us to meet certain criteria.

It's not that there is something wrong with pushing us, but when parents don't feel secure this simply causes us to grow up into an anxious person. There is more to anxious attachment style, but awareness of this can help you change the narrative.

Romantic relationships trigger our anxieties the most

Now when you are ready to enter a romantic relationship, your anxiety gets highly triggered. Where do you go with this? You start questioning your sanity and wonder how else you don't measure up. The fact is that all you want is a consistent, secure, healthy relationship. So there is nothing wrong with you for wanting this completely natural experience. You and everyone else in this world is born to experience this kind of love. Emotional closeness is one of the most beautiful things that everyone wants.

So imagine the world if we all accepted ourselves and others. What if we didn’t have these oppressive ways of making ourselves and others feel crappy about their needs? What if we validate ourselves and each other? 

How do we manage anxious attachment?

So what if we didn’t beat ourselves about being needy, clingy, and whatever other attribute you use to make yourself feel less than? That would change everything because you would stop gaslighting yourself and you would feel more empowered to ask what you want and need, to set better boundaries with yourself and others, and you could create a powerful connection with quality men.  

You would not only know you deserve better in your head, but you would feel it deep down in every cell of your body. This kind of confidence is highly attractive and addictive. And it’s there for you for grabs. All you need to do is join me in reminding yourself and other women, men, and children that we are good enough, we are loveable; we are deserving, and we have so much love to give. Go, tell yourself this: 

  • I'm enough 
  • I’m loveable
  • I have so much love to give
  • All I need is to find a partner who’s gonna appreciate me and my heart

Can you promise me this? Remember, avoidant partners are attracted to your big heart because they too want close relationships. The trick is in managing your triggers when your partner acts in his ambivalent attachment ways. This drives you bonkers, and then how you react to your partner freaks them out. So if you learn how to communicate as a securely attached person, you can become secure love creators. This is what I call women who know their value and have relationship self-confidence.

This takes some time to get there and feel like someone with a secure attachment, but you can get there by utilizing skills and principles secure people use. You have that power even if you have an anxious attachment style.

How anxious attachment issues affect your relationships

anxious attachment style

So, do people with anxious attachment styles repel romantic partners? The answer is complicated. As I described, people with this attachment style attract people with fearful-avoidant attachment, but the relationship may be complicated and painful. If you are an anxious partner, you may constantly operate under fear of abandonment and feel anxious about your relationship.

The most important thing to remember is to know what you want, need, and what your boundaries are with you or your partner. For instance if you know you want marriage and children for yourself, you shouldn't be shy to say that. Once you are confident about your desires and what you have to offer to someone, this becomes highly attractive to secure men.

Even partners with avoidant attachment may feel less triggered with you because you are acting like someone with a secure attachment style by being open with your needs and boundaries. Utilizing my Couture Love Plan, I teach women to define how they want to be loved without feeling unworthy. This is just one of the nine steps of my Secure Love Creator framework. Women who have this clarified gain a tremendous confidence that makes them ready for dating. They also have more ability to discern who's the right partner for them.

So, if you learn how to manage your attachment pattern, there is no discussion of repelling romantic partners even if you have an anxious attachment style.

If you want to learn more about how to become more secure, join my Secure Love Creator Club.

Is relationship coaching right for you? 

I offer online relationship coaching for high achieving women interested in sincere high quality men, men ready to give you their heart. 



Get exclusive access to my best tips about love, dating, and relationships in the free Academy Resource Hub and download The Accidental Singledom Checklist: Are You Standing in Your Own Way?

You will also get two bonus courses:

Challenge Your Accidental Singledom AssumptionsLearn how to change your limiting beliefs and get the love you want

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About the Author

I'm dedicated to guiding women from feeling confused and frustrated to feeling competent and joyful when it comes to matters of love and romance.

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