Your Avoidant Partner Can't Fall in Love Until You Change One Thing

Your Avoidant Partner Can't Fall in Love Until You Change One Thing

Have you ever been with a partner that is hard to read or there is just something elusive about him?  You may feel that he just doesn’t give you his heart fully. You wish he would express more desire or need for your company. If this is the case, you may be with a fearful avoidant partner.

I see so many women struggling with this. If you are a high achieving woman who is also an anxious love seeker, there may be something that you do that contributes to this.

Yeah, I’ll give you a little tough love here, and that’s good news because you can actually do something about it. I’ll tell about one thing that you can change right away and make a difference in your relationship.

This tendency will cause your fearful avoidant partner to hold back his emotions

avoidant attachment partner

It's important to remember that your partner is who he is before he met you. In other words, he already has an avoidant attachment. Avoidant partners and anxious love seekers attract each other. But, at the same time, while you attract each other, your tendencies also may cause each other more pain. If you don't implement secure love creators' strategies, you two most likely will cause each other more anxious and avoidant attachment tendencies.

This is why it's important to develop personal awareness of your own tendencies.

So, what is the tendency that may be the problem for you in relationships? I’m talking about the tendency to see everything in relation to yourself, especially when it comes to things that you perceive as negative. If you are an anxious love seeker, your brain automation will default to feeling inadequate if you see your partner’s mood changing.

When you come from this place of self-criticism, you will not be able to see your partner’s needs or heart. It’s totally understandable that you struggle with this because so many of us have lost our sense of personal power.  When our own needs are not met and when our partner comes across as aloof,  it’s hard to imagine that he may need something from us. We wish he would express it, right?!

Understand  fearful avoidant men's needs and regain a sense of personal power in your relationship

There is one need they may not even be aware of. Imagine if you could understand him and use this to build secure love and deep emotional bond. I know so many of you want that and you complain that men don’t share their feelings. 

Well, let me tell you what I see. Many men who are in a relationship with an anxious love seeker struggle to surrender to love and let go. Let me make myself clear. He is not acting like this because of you, but he chose you because of the way he is.

Some of these partners are just naturally people who feel that they need to take care of others. It could be that they were parentified when they were children. This means they were put in the position to take on too many responsibilities when they were children. 

Why are relationships overwhelming for men with avoidant attachment style

Being in a relationship may feel overwhelming to an avoidant attachment partner because of his limiting belief that he are responsible for your emotions. This may cause him to be a little emotionally avoidant and unable to surrender to love fully.

When avoidant partners are in the company of anxious love seekers and highly accomplished women, they may worry that they will disappoint you, so they always feel that they have to be on guard. This may be a reason ‌they need to withdraw and seek solitude. Your avoidant partner may need alone time where he doesn't feel a need to perform.


It’s interesting that although they are apprehensive about women’s emotionality, they feel attracted to women that come across as someone who needs “extra care,” because they are used to the identity of providing that extra care.

Remember your own needs and values

But, if you are a high achieving woman, your yearning isn’t for someone to take care of you but rather for someone who’s goanna surrender their heart to you. The good news is that deep down these wonderful men want to fall in love too, but they just need to learn that it is safe to love and that you can take care of your own feelings. 

When you focus on yourself instead of wondering what's wrong with him, and when you learn how to communicate your needs, desires, and boundaries, your avoidant partner can feel relived of the pressure to perform. This will create space for a fearful avoidant man to yield to his emotions in a secure relationship.

How  do you create that space for the secure love to grow with an avoidant partner?

The challenge for you becomes to figure out how to communicate that you are OK and that you are perfectly capable of taking care of yourself. When you see that your partner is going through something, it’s important that you don’t internalize it. In other words, don’t start thinking it’s because of you. If you do this, your partner feels he needs to take care of your feelings and he can’t see you as a safe person with whom he can share his personal concerns and worries.

The other way in which you can build an emotional bond with this kind of partner is to learn to be receptive and appreciative of his gifts, efforts, and time spent together. 


Finally, expressing your needs openly and without shame about them will help him understand your expectations and decide if he wants to be a part of your life. 

It may be hard for you to access your emotions, and communicate this effectively due to old attachment trauma or wounds. This is something I teach my clients utilizing Secure Love Creator Method.

A word of caution if your avoidant partner is too attached to his identity of care-taker

If your avoidant partner is emotionally evolved, he will ease into loving the new healthy approach. Other people may struggle with this because this hero-self-sacrificing persona became a part of their identity. Be aware that this may cause your relationship to dissolve if he is not ready to let go of this old identity. 

So, hope this gives you a little bit more insight into men’s minds. My hope is that you will embrace the sense of personal power and see yourself as a secure love creator with power to make men’s hearts beat stronger. 

If you implement these strategies,  you have a chance of seeing your fearful avoidant partner become eager to make you happy not because he feels obliged but because he wants to. 

Aren't you tired of doing a detective work pondering of where you stand with him or endless late-night conversations with your well-meaning friends who say something that will make you feel better in the moment?

If you're ready to create secure love and build powerful emotional connection with your partner, then Join my Secure Love Creator Club

Share this article with your friends. Let’s empower women to create secure love. 

What are some other needs that men have, but women don’t understand? Let me know down below in the comments.

If you need some help in learning how to process your emotions and communicate effectively, so you can enjoy an amazing relationship and powerful bond with your partner, I can help you with this.

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About the Author

I'm dedicated to guiding women from feeling confused and frustrated to feeling competent and joyful when it comes to matters of love and romance.

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