Don't Let an Emotionally Unavailable Guy Drive You Bonkers
Feel Like a Muse (even if your guy isn't a poet)
Are you someone who’s looking for love and deep intimacy, but you are dating an emotionally unavailable guy? Be careful because you may wind up questioning your sanity and wonder if you may be too needy, unattractive, or you may think that if you were just like (fill in the blank kind of woman), your guy would be more into you.
It's not you
I want you to know that nothing is wrong with your desires and you are fine as you are. A desire for deep intimacy and a close relationship is completely legitimate. You just need to embrace it and know how to recognize the signs that a guy can give it to you. You also need to learn how to recognize the signs that you are dating an emotionally unavailable guy.
So, if you find yourself with one of them, you don't start thinking that you are too needy and something is wrong with you.
The emotionally distant guy you are dating is distant regardless of who he’s dating. Dating this kind of guy takes a toll on your confidence and you may wind up feeling depleted.
It's about his attachment style, and his is avoidant attachment style. Being close to him triggers anxiety, while you may have an anxious attachment style. On the other hand, you are anxious when your relationship isn't intimate. The problem is that people with anxious attachment style are usually attracted to people with avoidant attachment style and vice versa.
So, don't beat yourself up for choosing Mr. emotionally unavailable guy. With a little self-awareness and clear communication, you too can have a happy relationship. I want you to know that by recognizing your needs and learning how to communicate them, you can build a healthy relationship with the right partner. Keep reading to learn how to stop feeling horrible about yourself and how to get the love you deserve.
What happens when you continue a relationship with an emotionally unavailable guy
When you just start dating him, it's all good and fun. You are not anxious about the relationship, and he doesn't have a need for running away. So, you enjoy dating him, and naturally, start growing closer to him.
The story usually goes on like the following: You meet him. You have great times in the beginning, but as soon as you start feeling closer to him, he puts you through the infamous emotional roller coaster.
He pulls away, then you figure out, OK, maybe he’s not the right one. You start to cool off and carry on with your fabulous life. And then, this guy just like a thirsty vampire comes back and makes some grand display of affection that makes you flip back on your decision that he is not the right one.
You go home excited and call your friend to tell her about your great date with him, but deep down you feel worried. Will he like you? What if he doesn’t call or text soon again. You ponder, “Should I text him?” You start typing, and then erase everything worrying that he may think that you are too needy.
You wind up depleted and frustrated
And, your anxiety goes up waiting for him to call you. You become depleted, start losing hope, and you keep speculating what you need to do. Then you start overthinking and analyzing everything. Instead of noticing his issues, you usually worry about yourself. Are you pretty, skinny, fun, enough and so on? You go over your conversations and worry if you’ve said something wrong, and so on.
But, deep down you know it’s not right. You know that there is nothing wrong with you. Your standards are much higher than this when it comes to guys. It's just natural that you wanted him to be more open and steady with his advances towards you.
Gradually, as the relationship, progresses you start feeling angry and frustrated. You start expressing your desire to spend more time with him, and although he seems to understand it at the moment, nothing changes. You feel confused, "What went wrong? He was so attentive when we just started dating." You hope to bring those good old days back.
Then at some point, you lash out at him and feel really poorly about yourself. You blame yourself for being too needy forgetting that he is an emotionally unavailable guy. Meanwhile, society tells you that you should get a hobby or get busy so that you don’t focus so much on him. For God’s sake, you are already so busy. After all, you just wanted a partner and not more responsibilities.
How can you do this differently?
Instead of beating yourself down, and trying to change the guy you are dating, acknowledge your needs. You have a desire for a certain kind of relationship and that’s completely fine. Nothing wrong with it. NADA! Once you acknowledge it, you will feel stronger and more confident.
Instead of wondering how to change this guy, you can figure out how to recognize a guy that will be right for you.
Remember Monica from Friends? One of the girls told her that she is high maintenance. Monica was upset and she asked Chanler, her boyfriend if he thought that she is high maintenance. Chanler said something like, “ And they can say you're high maintenance, but it's okay because I like maintaining you.”
This is so sweet. You know, there are guys that are just like that. They will cherish your weirdness and (fill in the blank) personality. They will enjoy what you have to give, because deep down what you want is to be able to love safely. You want to deep intimacy and connection, and that's beautiful. There is a man out there who will love everything about you.
Once you find someone who will enjoy that closeness, you will not feel needy. You feel needy when you are depleted due to trying to convince Mr. emotionally unavailable guy to love you. That’s an uphill battle.
Recognize signs when you meet an emotionally unavailable guy
So, in order to get what you want, true love or emotional intimacy, what matters is that you can recognize the signs when you meet an emotionally unavailable guy. You already know them.
Signs that you are with an emotionally distant guy
The problem is that you may equate the rollercoaster emotions with love and excitement, and when someone is providing you with attention, you may equate it with boredom. And this is usually related to your childhood and how available your parents were.
But, for now, what I suggest is to take your time. Date more people and try to figure out how they make you feel. Learn what kinds of guys you should avoid, and what kinds of guys make you feel good.
Communicate your needs openly
If you are already in a relationship with an emotionally distant guy, assertive communication about your needs is the key. Instead of saying something like, “You never call” and so on, you can openly express your needs and state that you are not looking for a relationship dance of hot and cold emotional rollercoaster.
The ball is in his court. See if he is interested in showing you that he can be your guy.
This way you don’t blame him and put him in a defensive mode, but you express your needs openly. The right partner should be interested in your emotional wellbeing.
You don't have to stay stuck
If you need help with figuring out how to communicate your needs check out my coaching packages. In a few sessions, you can figure out how to understand your needs and communicate them openly with confidence that’s highly attractive.
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